The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/22/13
Wow --beautifully written and beautifully portrayed in all context. I loved this. It delivered an important message in a subtle yet powerful way.

Great job! Congrats.

God bless~
08/22/13
Wonderful cautionary tale for your readers--we shouldn't hesitate, especially when prompted.

When you started out in 1st person, from the coach's POV, it was a bit jarring to then be put in the player's POV and 3rd person. It might help the reader if you'd separated that first paragraph by three asterisks. Alternately, you could write the whole thing from the player's POV. And I'd also suggest that you break up the longer paragraph into a few shorter ones.

Minor cosmetic changes that don't affect your story greatly, or your important message. Thanks for writing this!