The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/22/13
This was sweet and amusing; I enjoyed reading it.

A few things to note: Be careful of the difference between 'breath' and 'breathe,' and the spelling of the word 'pastime.' And if you manually put a space between paragraphs in the 'submit' box, your entry will be easier on readers' eyes.

I'd have loved to read more of this--it was so gentle and loving. You had more words to use, and this was a pleasant read.
08/22/13
That was a cute story!
God bless~
Precious!
This is a cute story. You did a nice job building the suspense. I noticed at times the dialog didn't feel totally natural. Take this line: “Breath slowly in and then exhale.”
I think if she said breathe in, she also would have said breathe out. Often people think they have to mention the topic word to be on topic, but you could have used breathe out and it still would be spot on topic. Some of the best stories never mention the topic, but if you take away the parts having to do with the topic word, if you have a story that doesn't make sense then you know you're on topic. Like in this piece, if one were to delete everything about breathing the story wouldn't make any sense, so you know you nailed the topic.
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