The Official Writing Challenge
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Watch the transition of events.

I can see the Mom setting her cup of coffee down before running outside. It would seem that we would also see her running back to the house for the ice pack.

I like the fruit tree and the branches. If we are not connected to Jesus we won't produce any fruit.


Just for practice, work on the transitions of this same story so each one is visible.
08/17/13
This was a cute story with a good message. The part with Mr Hampton seemed a little rushed and the dog on a skateboard begs for follow up - it was a bizarre event in an otherwise normal tale. Overall I enjoyed it.
08/17/13
Wonderful use of childlike innocence to paint the picture of the importance of remaining founded in Christ.

I lost just a moment of flow when you mentioned the dog. Found myself focusing on what the dog looked like, rather than the little boy and upcoming message.

I found myself smiling at the wisdom of your wee hero.
08/19/13
You delivered an excellent message about Jesus and bearing good fruit. You did a nice job of in the descriptive department.

God bless~
I love this story. You do a wonderful job of developing the characters. The dialog felt realistic and natural.

The one thing you may want to consider is using less taglines like he said. Try to avoid ones like he screamed, she laughed, he shouted. Instead use narrative lines to show who is speaking and simultaneously give the reader some insight to the character's personality. For example you could change it to something like this: “Get your boy off my flowers, I saw him! Trying to steal my roses!” The neighbor, Mr. Hampton, stomped across the garden waving his fists.
If you do use taglines, make sure you use a comma before the end quote: “Get your boy off my flowers,” said an old man.

I think you did a great job and with some tweaking, could see this in a kids' magazine or as a Sunday School take home sheet. The message is good, but not too preachy. I also liked how the kid resolved the conflict. He figured out why the neighbor was grumpy with only a little guiding by Mom. That's an important part of a kids' story, letting the MC resolve the conflict. You did a fine job on the topic too.