I’M READY TO GO LORD!
I stir, turn over and half open still sleepy eyes. It’s 5am. He has been waiting for me to awake.
“Good morning my Father, my Abba Father! It could be today Father?” I whisper.
I feel His smile and my lips echo a response. My eyes, now fully open, focus on the gap in the curtains, left in anticipation of a spectacular sunrise. At this time of year the sun rises over the fields with a mesmerising stillness, airbrushing the walls with a fiery red glow. The cream faux silk curtains shimmer with a pink tinge, as its rays filter through, piercing the window and bouncing off the mirror, creating tiny rainbows on the opposite wall. I think of God’s promise and my hope for the future.
Today might bring a buyer for our house. I have been waiting so long, but I know it’s coming! I can’t wait to switch on my computer and look at the properties for sale. The apartment we felt so ‘at home’ in might have come back on the market! But I need to immerse my senses in His Word before my day begins. I turn to the Psalms and read;
‘Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.’ (Psalm 16:5-6)NIV.
“I know Father that I have a delightful inheritance waiting for me in Heaven, when the time is right, but I’m trusting also that You will safely keep my ‘delightful apartment’ until this house is sold!”
My spirit is lifted and rises to the mountaintop at the prospect of an imminent sale and a move to the apartment we had chosen. Then, for a moment, my subconscious snaps up a picture of the wonderful man God gave to me for twenty-five good years, but called home just months ago. And I melt back down the mountainside. When I reach the bottom He is there, as I knew He would be; my Saviour. He lifts me and joy begins in the depths of my soul, bubbling up like magma trapped beneath the earth. It rises, struggling to find a way out beyond the pain. It is too powerful to contain and continues to rise, until it reaches the mountaintop again and erupts in a crescendo of praise, to the One who gives me hope.
I switch on my computer and look on the property for sale website, knowing the apartment will not be there. But I like to check it out! It will not come up for sale again until my house is sold. The two things, sale and purchase, will co-ordinate! Despite the devastating grief of loss, I’m excited at the prospect of living in the apartment we had chosen together. A precious memory surfaces in my mind and plays over our conversation, as we had lingered in the tiny study, stepping out onto the small balcony overlooking the sea.
‘I can just see you at your desk, writing.’ he had said. ‘Promise me you will write!’ I had cried, but I made that promise.
The illness was aggressive and though unspoken, we had both known I would be living there alone!
Two garden sheds stand empty in the back garden and the skip on my front drive is gradually filling with rubbish. Wardrobes hold only what will be worn and the kitchen cupboards are devoid of anything that has not been used for at least a year. A new dinner service waits to be unpacked in the kitchen of my new apartment and a tub of his favourite sunflowers wait for a place on the balcony. Now it’s time to clear out the loft. Because I will soon be moving!
We never tired of early mornings together, eagerly waiting for the sun to rise over this house. And now it seems appropriate that it should be the sun setting that will bring joy to my soul, as I anticipate the rest of my life without him. We chose the apartment together and I will remember him with thankfulness to our God, as I sit alone, watching as the glorious sunset sinks lower over the sea.
“Will it be today Father, my Abba Father? Will my house be sold today? I’m ready to go Lord. I’m moving!”
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