The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 432 times
Member Comments
This is really quite beautiful. You did such a nice job of capturing the MC's voice, I thought for sure that this would be based on a true story.

You have a few technical errors that could bog a reader down. Ellipses should rarely be used. They are to show an omission or trailing off. Numbers at least under ten should be written out. (some experts say under a hundred)These are all tiny details that a could proofreader could help you catch. You also may ant to get a book like Elements of Style by White and Strunk to review some of the rules.

I think you did a wonderful job of writing on topic. I liked how you started with the girls humming and then went full circle to the hum of the heart monitor. I think different people will draw different messages from this story. This is a sign of the Holy Spirit working you to touch people in the way they need it most. That's not always easy to do, but I believe your words will touch more people in more ways than you can imagine. Nice job.
The story is lovely. I had a similar real experience with the passing of my father. Very touching how our characters had the connection of music.

There were areas while I was reading that caused me to slide away. The ellipses perhaps caused a little interruption and stopped the flow of the story for me. I personally also use them in my poems to give the effect of doubt, confusion or a pause. Perhaps using less ellipses may help the flow.

The story was lovely. Thank you for sharing.