The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 287 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
I really enjoyed this. I think your POV was creative and fun. You do a nice job of setting up the conflict (not enough nectar) right away which made me eager to keep reading.

You did have what is called a POV shift. The reader can only know what the MC sees, hears, thinks, or knows. So when you switched from the birds to the kids inside you had a POV shift. One way to resolve it is maybe to have the kids' voices drift outside through a window and then have the birds eavesdrop.

Another thing that is good to do in a kids' story is to allow the children resolve the conflict not the adults'. It would have packed more of a punch had one of the kids thought of putting more nectar out to prevent fights and even to use a real life example like Mommy when you give us cookies you make sure we don't argue over it by giving us both enough. Maybe we should give the birds enough nectar so they don't have to fight.
Of course, that's not perfect, but I wanted to show you an example to help clarify what I'm trying to say.

You did a nice job of not only delivering a message about sharing and ways to prevent squabbles, but you also educated the reader about hummingbirds that I found quite informative and interesting. You totally nailed the topic. The ending was a nice, modern take on "living happily-ever-after." I also think you have a nice subtle sense of humor that kids would enjoy. I could easily picture a nose mushed up against a window as the birds flitted about. Keep writing, you have a knack for storytelling and this was a delightful read.
06/17/13
I loved this piece completely! It was very creative and innocent. The point of view was perfect in shifting from birds to humans, as well as creating the conflict/resolution portion of the story. The story flowed well. It was educational as well in regards to hummingbird habits. Congratulations!