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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Thump (05/30/13)

TITLE: Taming the Desire
By Holly Hoell


The thump of the drums pulsated through the room. Nancy danced close to the stage. She felt tossed about amongst a sea of bodies. Her eyes fixated on Marcus the drummer.

Once the band finished their song, Nancy joined some friends. She was handed a cigarette. She took a few puffs pretending to be a pro.

Marcus spotted her. “Hi Nancy.”

“Hi. You were great, awesome solo.” She took another puff.

“Inhale it, like this.” Marcus puckered his lips and breathed in.

She held it to her lips and breathed in. Her chest felt like it was on fire. She began coughing.

Marcus laughed. “You’ll get used to it. Here have something to drink.”

Nancy downed the clear liquid only to discover it was Vodka. She choked and coughed more. All her friends laughed.

She left the group and poured a glass of soda. Well done Nancy -- way to fit in. She was starting to feel a little dizzy, so she headed toward the door.

Marcus grabbed her arm. “How about I take you home?”

“Sure.” She held onto him, steadying herself.

That was the first night of many dates and parties. After a while they seemed to be stuck at an impasse.

“Nancy, you’re beautiful.” Marcus caressed her cheek. “When am I going to get more than a kiss?”

“I’m not that type of girl.”

Over the next few months, he kept asking her. His patience wore thin.

“You spilled your soda in my car!” Marcus growled. “What are you? Stupid?”

“I’m sorry, it was an accident.” She huddled near the door.

“Sorry doesn’t replace my upholstery.” He pulled the car over, throwing napkins on the spill.

Nancy jumped out, walking down the street.

Marcus drove alongside her yelling. “Nancy get in the car. It’s okay, I’ll get it cleaned.”

“I want to be alone. Please, just let me walk home.” She quickened her pace.

Marcus punched the gas, speeding down the street.

Nancy walked to a nearby park, sat on a swing, and looked at the stars. Tears formed in her eyes. She prayed, “God if you are real, please help me. I’m tired of my life.“


Startled, Nancy saw a guy about her age preparing to sit on the swing next to her.

“May I join you?”

“I guess” She looked away; just what she needed.

“My name’s Jessie, what’s yours?”

“Nancy.” Oh boy, here we go.

“I noticed a sad look on your face, so felt I should ask if you are okay.”

“What do you care? You don’t even know me.” Nancy began swinging

Jessie gave a push swinging alongside her. “Life is a gift. It’s too short to be filled with sadness.”

“Oh my goodness, were you listening to me? Are you some kind of stalker?”

“I have to get home for my little brothers Birthday party. But I want you to know that you are beautiful in God’s sight. He loves you and has a plan for your life. He can give you that joy you've been looking for. If you meet me here tomorrow after school, I’ll tell you more. Good night.”

Nancy looked at the stars again. “Was that really from you God?”

The next day Nancy left school and headed toward the park.

Marcus sent her a text. “I want to be with you.”

His remarks were like a constant thumping on a door that she couldn't open.

She arrived at the park and there was Jessie. He was kind and gentle. He told her all about Jesus and how she could be born again. They prayed together. She felt the joy he had told her about.

The next morning, she headed to school. Everything seemed brighter and more beautiful.

Marcus grabbed her sliding his hand across her butt. She pulled away.

“What’s going on?” He scowled.

“I became a Christian last night.”

“So, I’m a Christian too.” He tried again but was deflected.

Marcus shook his head “I knew you were a waste of time.” He pounded the locker and walked away.

After school Nancy ran to the park to meet Jessie. He greeted her with a hug.

When she talked with Jessie, she felt a thump, but it was in her heart. There was no pressure. He continued to share about Jesus with her. She had now found a love that was real.

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This article has been read 257 times
Member Comments
Member Date
C. Roxanna Tineo06/06/13
This is such a cute story. I was glad to read Nancy made the better choice. In my opinion, it was a very real depiction of how frustrated young girls can be and how they are searching for that unconditional love that only God can give. I could sense Nancy wanted something better and wanted to believe. Glad she asked...and received. Jessie was bold! I think there is surely a lesson to learn from him.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/10/13
This is a powerful story. It shows how easy it is to wander down the wrong path. My heart was pounding when she drank from the glass. I wanted to scream at the MC and warn her about the possibility of a date rape drug in that glass. You did a nice e job of pacing the story while delivering a powerful message. Good job.
C D Swanson 06/11/13
This really kept my interest throughout the entire piece. Loved the ending!

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/13/13
Congratulations on ranking 8 in your level. (The highest rankings can be found on the message boards)