The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
06/09/13
What an interesting concept. I wasn't sure where you were headed with the Alice-in-wonderland theme, but I did like the idea of young Simon and the little rabbits helping him along. I think there's more to the story, because it felt like you ran out room for all that you wanted to say. I was kind of hoping for more about the rabbit hole that he 'fell' into, but it was still a fun read.

Good message at the end too. Thanks for sharing!
This is an interesting story. You pulled me in right away and kept my attention throughout. You also did a nice job of building the suspense.

Most authors struggle with the show don't tell concept. You did slip into some telling. Just by rearranging your opener, you can show and tighten up your sentences with something like this: One day, 5-year-old Alan walked down the bunny trail searching for his toys.
Another way to show is to avoid passive verbs like was and instead of taglines like he said boastfully or Simon asked, use narrative lines like: "I know you." Simon puffed out his chest and pulled his shoulders back.
Hopefully, it not only shows who is speaking, but also show the reader what said boastfully looks like.

I love your imagination. This story speaks at so many different levels that depending on the reader's need, she could take different messages from it. That takes talent to do. You did a nice job of writing on topic in a fresh and fun way. The ending sums up a great message for readers of all ages. This is original and an interesting read. Good job.
06/10/13
What a delightful tale of the bunny trail! I thoroughly enjoyed this fairy tale, and the message it sends to us all.

A few of your puncts are off, but a very good story indeed. You have a gift for fine spin telling. Good job!
06/11/13
Fabulous ending! I really thought this a clever piece.
Nicely done.

God bless~