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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Thump (05/30/13)

TITLE: The Bunny Trail
By Richard Hicks
06/06/13


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One nice and breezy day, young Alan took a walk down the bunny trail.

He had just turned five years old.

He was determined to find his plastic toy soldiers and toy horse.

Spring was in the air, and the sun was bright. The cool crisp breeze blew the leaves as they swirled around the ground. Giant trees reached up to the heavens.

As Alan was strolling along He heard someone clearing their throat.

He turned to see a very large gray rabbit.

“Are you lost young child?”, asked the rabbit in a sophisticated tone of voice. “My name is Simon.”

“I know you,” Simon said boastfully. “I have seen you before in your front yard with your baby sister. I know more about you than you realize; I have been under your house during the storms.”

“Mister Simon, Mommy and daddy were fighting so I sneaked away to find my lost toys. I have been down the bunny trail one other time. When I hopped down the bunny trail before I spied a little white house, I’m going to see if they are in there.” announced the small and very smart child.

Out of the blue Simon perked up his long ears. “There is danger up ahead, you must go off the trail. We will help you find your toys later.”

“Run and stay by the burrows that are around the old oak tree, pleaded the rabbit.”

All of a sudden Simon thumped his back foot on the ground. Thump… Thumpety, thump, went his twitching foot. Several younger rabbits came out of hiding, hopping towards the borrows.

By the time he got to the tree, Alan was tired and a little bit frightened. One of the rabbits was white. “My name is Peter” as he stopped to catch his breath. The rest of the pack will be here shortly.

Simon, their leader, thumped two more times and took off. Several others were running with Simon as they got to the burrows, and jumped in while Peter stood guard behind the oak tree.

Out in the tall green grass you could see something moving. Alan could hear the rustle of the leaves as a rattle snake found his way into the deep woods.

“I smelled some nice tasty rabbit as he slobbered and hissed, and I smell a pesky human too. I dislike humans with a vengeance.” Hissing, he turned around, rattled, and went back the same direction back into the grass.

Alan and Peter had seen it all from behind the big old oak tree.

“We have got to get you back home, said Simon as his head popped out of the burrow. Peter, you take the lead, and I will bring up the rear-guard to bring this young lad home. We will have Alan meet the others another time, the suns going down and it will be dark soon.”

“Will you visit us from time to time, asked a small black rabbit?”

“I would like that” smiled Alan.

“We are going to run with you as fast as we can back up the trail,” resonated Peter.

Out of the burrow the whole rabbit clan scurries, hopping up the bunny trail and so was Alan. They followed him all the way up to the entrance of the woods, and quickly said their goodbyes. As Alan walked up the hill to the back porch steps, he turned and looked. All the rabbits were gone.

Later that night, several of them gathered under Alan’s house to see that everything was settled. Everything was safe and in order in Alan’s home now. He was sleeping in his room. His toy horse and plastic soldiers were back in their rightful place in the corner of the bedroom

How did the rabbits know? They could see because of a loose board in the corner that lifted up into Alan’s bedroom. Simon and Peter lifted their heads up into Alan’s bedroom and saw that he was fast asleep. They instantly popped their heads back down. The board went down and bonked Peter in the head. “Ouch!”

So many times, we get lost and are unaware that satan is in the grass hiding. He is easy to spot on the highway of life, but it is more difficult to know he is slithering behind something that we cannot see. And that something may even be a good thing. It is our duty to warn others before it is too late.


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Sara Harricharan 06/09/13
What an interesting concept. I wasn't sure where you were headed with the Alice-in-wonderland theme, but I did like the idea of young Simon and the little rabbits helping him along. I think there's more to the story, because it felt like you ran out room for all that you wanted to say. I was kind of hoping for more about the rabbit hole that he 'fell' into, but it was still a fun read.

Good message at the end too. Thanks for sharing!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/10/13
This is an interesting story. You pulled me in right away and kept my attention throughout. You also did a nice job of building the suspense.

Most authors struggle with the show don't tell concept. You did slip into some telling. Just by rearranging your opener, you can show and tighten up your sentences with something like this: One day, 5-year-old Alan walked down the bunny trail searching for his toys.
Another way to show is to avoid passive verbs like was and instead of taglines like he said boastfully or Simon asked, use narrative lines like: "I know you." Simon puffed out his chest and pulled his shoulders back.
Hopefully, it not only shows who is speaking, but also show the reader what said boastfully looks like.

I love your imagination. This story speaks at so many different levels that depending on the reader's need, she could take different messages from it. That takes talent to do. You did a nice job of writing on topic in a fresh and fun way. The ending sums up a great message for readers of all ages. This is original and an interesting read. Good job.
lynn gipson 06/10/13
What a delightful tale of the bunny trail! I thoroughly enjoyed this fairy tale, and the message it sends to us all.

A few of your puncts are off, but a very good story indeed. You have a gift for fine spin telling. Good job!
CD Swanson 06/11/13
Fabulous ending! I really thought this a clever piece.
Nicely done.

God bless~