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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Thump (05/30/13)

TITLE: He Listened and Heard
By Retha Groenewald
06/01/13


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Carl had guided him to the steps of the building. He sat down, comfortably, with his back against the wall, ready for the day. Early morning traffic had filtered to the ones that were in a hurry, but not yet, late for work.

He did what he did every day, he listened.

Click, clack, click, clack. She was later than usual this morning, but not too late to greet him and to give him a coin. Clink, the coin fell into the cup he was holding. The sound of her voice was like bells. Picturing her with a beautiful, sunny smile, he thanked her.

Oh, oh, here comes trouble, better get out of his way. Thump, thump, thump. The blind man shifted backwards in an attempt to disappear into the wall behind him. He pulled his hand back, and not a second too soon. The personal assistant of Mr Donovan, the owner of the building, came around the corner, barely missing the blind man. Frowning, he halted for a second, “What are you doing here! Haven’t I forbidden you to sit and beg here? Stop pretending you’re blind and get a job. The luck is on your side today, I'm in a hurry, and don’t’ have time to remove you myself. Get away from here. If I come back lunch time, I don’t want to see you anywhere near this building.” He kicked at the blind man’s leg to accentuate his message, and left hurriedly for the meeting.

The blind man shuffled down the steps and around a corner. Thinking he was out of harm’s way, and at the same time, close enough to receive alms, the blind man settled down, waiting for tea time.

He must have dozed off; he didn't hear the clinking until it was very close. That sounds like cowboy boots with spurs. What is a cowboy doing in the city? At the same time he heard the squishing of Fred’s tennis shoes. Fred is always trying to sneak up on him, to steal some of his hard earned coins. The clinking halted at the same time the squishing did. “Hey, what are you doing? Are you trying to steal from a blind man? This was one of those days he wished he could see. It sounded as if the cowboy had grabbed Fred. He heard another pair of feet; it sounded like feet belonging to a policeman. “Officer, this man tried to steal from him,” the cowboy informed the policeman.

I wonder what it would have been like for a blind man begging in Jesus’ time. What footstep sounds did he hear? Did he recognize the people by their footsteps? How did he know to call out when Jesus walked by?

When Elijah was in the cleft of the rock, the Lord passed by. Elijah heard an earthquake, a strong wind, and fire, but the Lord was not in those sounds. Then he heard the still, small voice…a whisper, and knowing it was the Lord Elijah came out of the cave.

Did Bartimaues, the blind man at the roadside, hear crunch, crunch when men stepped on loose pebbles? Did he hear the stomping of the soldiers, the pitter-patter of children’s feet? Did he also move away when he heard the thump, thump, of a temple guard?

Jesus and his disciples, with a large crowd, left the city Jericho. Through all the noise of a bustling crowd, Bartimaues heard the soft padding of Peace, and he called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me.”


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This article has been read 153 times
Member Comments
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Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 06/08/13
I enjoyed seeing how the different sounds represented different personalities. Your instant conflict drew me in.

Many writers will hear show don't tell. One way to do that is to use descriptive verbs and less adverbs and adjectives. First example this line:He kicked at the blind man’s leg to accentuate his message, and left hurriedly for the meeting.
You really don't need The phrase to accentuate just message because The kicking shows that,perhaps you could add a snort as he kicked. Also instead of leftover hurriedly, you could use race or scurried.

I like your message, but The transition from the modern blind man to the Bible seemed a bit rough. You do have a nice way of starting with something most people can relate to and perhaps even see themselves in The story which is good because it makes the reader stop And really think. You did a nice job of writing on topic too while focusing on an important message. Nice job.
Camille (C D) Swanson 06/09/13
Clever and interesting take with the topic. You delivered an important and vital message in this piece.

thank you. God bless~