The Official Writing Challenge
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Good job on a creative story. Your title was clever enough to seperate it from the rest as well. If you want to score well in the Challenges, you will have to pay close attention to punctuation and sentence structure. Your first 2 sentences should really be 4 or 5 sentences. You would also do well to tighten up sentences, showing instead of telling, and leaving out less important information (like Bible and hymnals on the rack). I believe your writing has potential. Your creativity coupled with crisp writing should put you in the winners circle soon!
This is a nice story. You did a nice job of trying to build the suspense. I really like the way the pastor shows how much he cares.

You have quite a few little errors that a good proofreader could help you catch for example the pronoun he or him should not be capitalized, Okay should be written out or both letters capital OK. If you could do some more showing and less telling that would help hold the reader's attention. For example: As Pastor Newby flipped off the lights, his ears perked at the sound of sniffling. Holding his breath, he tiptoed into the sanctuary.
Hopefully, something like that will paint a picture for the reader.

I really liked the message and think it is one many can relate to. I remember being terrified of the book of Revelation. If you take out some of the extra details like the wife fixing dinner it will give you more room to expand your message. I think you have the ability to really connect with the reader and that is huge. Keep spreading the message God places on your heart.
05/21/13
I liked the way your entry made a wonderful point. Though it could use some touching up in punctuation, it shows your heart for God and for understanding His Word. You expressed that very well.
05/22/13
Good story with a powerful message at the end.

God bless~