The Official Writing Challenge
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05/11/13
Yes! Loved it! Maybe a little word smithing. Thanks for sharing.
05/11/13
Awww, this was such a moving story...I was touched by it, and it made my heart smile at the end.

God bless~
This is a charming story. You grabbed my attention at the very beginning and kept it throughout the entire read.

You have a few punctuation rules that you need to brush up on, especially with dialog. Remember to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks,even if it's just one word. Almost always punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

Try to use more narrative lines than taglines. For example this line:
Head hung, waiting for the put down, he replied "Henry".
can be turned into this: Hanging his head, he braced himself for the put-down. "Henry"
That will let the reader know who is speaking and show his emotions.

Those are just little things that a good proofreaders would catch. You have a knack for storytelling for sure. You did a nice job of building your characters. Keep reading other stories and don't be afraid to leave comments. Understanding what we think works or doesn't work can help us in our writing.

You did a nice job on the ending too. With such a limited word count, many struggle with a strong ending, but you pulled it off with a good strong ending. Your message is a great one too.
05/16/13
Congratulations on your 3rd place finish in Beginners, Holly! Great job!
Congratulations on ranking 3 in your level and 17 overall!
Delightfully warm and fuzzy. Congratulations!