Hire
Writers
Editors
Home Tour About Read What's New Help Forums Join
My Account Login
Shop
Save
Support
E
Book
Store
Learn
About
Jesus
  



The HOME for Christian writers! The Home for Christian Writers!
The Official Writing Challenge

BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN

INSTRUCTIONS

how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level

ENTRIES

submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners



Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.





TRUST JESUS TODAY

TRY THE TEST



Share
how it works   Submit

Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sizzle (05/02/13)

TITLE: Thrown Away
By Holly Hoell
05/08/13


 LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
 SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
 ADD TO MY FAVORITES

The boy pushed the garbage bag off him and lifted the lid of the dumpster. Peeking around, he saw the coast was clear and hopped out. As he brushed himself off, he could smell breakfast from the nearby deli. His stomach let out its usual groan.

He located himself on a bench near the deli. Across the street, he saw the old lady that lived in the little house in the middle of town. Sometimes, she’d step outside with her dog to do its business. Then she'd disappear back inside. His attention honed in on a woman dragging a little girl by the arm. She tossed a half eaten sandwich into the garbage can. "You're so wasteful" she scolded.

The boy snagged the sandwich like a veteran sea gull. He sat back on the bench devouring it. He licked his fingers, finding the last crumbs. A pretty girl dropped her cell phone near him. As she retrieved it, their eyes met, “eww, you stink!” She distanced herself. He’d find a public restroom and clean up later. People would still look at him like he was dirty.

He kicked a groove in the ground with his tattered sneaker, watching by passers. Suddenly, he heard the old lady yelling. “Chester! Come Back! Chester!” Her little Yorkie dog was running down the street after a cat. The boy pursued them. Luckily, the cat ran up a tree and Chester was at the bottom barking. The boy reached out, “nice doggie;” cautiously picking him up. The dog growled but he was able to bring him to the old lady. Here is your dog.

Giving Him the once over, the old lady asked “what is your name young man?”

Head hung, waiting for the put down, he replied "Henry".

“Thank you for rescuing my Chester” she hugged her dog. “My name is Flora. Would you like to join me for breakfast?”

Looking at her in unbelief he said “sure.”

“Chester and I don't have visitors, but I think he likes you,” she winked.

Inside, the house was tidy. Chester plopped himself down on his doggie bed.

“Do you like pancakes Henry?”

“I love pancakes” he grinned. Seating himself at the table, a wonderful sound emanated from the pan. The batter sizzled causing a delicious fragrance to escape into the air. His heart was dancing.

“How old are you?”

“Almost 13.”

”Where do you live?” She asked, flipping a pancake.

“Down the street” he said nearly knocking his glass over.

“Really, what do your parents do?”

Fidgeting, he responded, “Um my mom is a nurse and my dad is a fireman.”

Plating the second pancake, she put butter and syrup on them, and handed them to him.

"You’re lucky, I never knew my parents. I grew up in a foster home; this very house. Now I’m alone." She flipped a pancake and looked back at Henry who was smiling; empty plate in front of him.

Handing him two more pancakes she asked “how would you like to read to me each afternoon and I'll make you dinner? My eyes aren't as good as they used to be.”

“Awesome,” he said imagining hamburgers and desserts. He had a couple comic books stashed away. Surely she would like "Out of the swamp" and "The zombies are coming."

They cleaned up from breakfast and she asked him to come back about 5 pm to read to her.

That evening, they sat and she handed him a bible saying "start at John chapter 1 verse 1 please."

“Oh -- the bible he said with a frown.” Eyeing the index, he finally found the page he was looking for and began reading. Afterword, she fed him, hugged him, and then he left, finding shelter for the night.

They continued this schedule for a few months. Whenever he heard the sizzle of food cooking, it was a reminder of the warmth and love Flora showed him.

One night, they sat down to read as usual. Holding the bible and staring at it, Henry blurted out; “I don't know who my parents are. My foster parents only want me home if the social worker is coming by so they can keep collecting money for me.”

Flora leaned over and hugged him tightly. “You can stay with me and we can take care of each other. You know what Henry; you are like the lost coin. Turn to Luke 15 and we will read from there today. I have some important things to tell you.”


The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.


This article has been read 101 times
Member Comments
Member Date
dub W05/11/13
Yes! Loved it! Maybe a little word smithing. Thanks for sharing.
CD Swanson 05/11/13
Awww, this was such a moving story...I was touched by it, and it made my heart smile at the end.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/15/13
This is a charming story. You grabbed my attention at the very beginning and kept it throughout the entire read.

You have a few punctuation rules that you need to brush up on, especially with dialog. Remember to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks,even if it's just one word. Almost always punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

Try to use more narrative lines than taglines. For example this line:
Head hung, waiting for the put down, he replied "Henry".
can be turned into this: Hanging his head, he braced himself for the put-down. "Henry"
That will let the reader know who is speaking and show his emotions.

Those are just little things that a good proofreaders would catch. You have a knack for storytelling for sure. You did a nice job of building your characters. Keep reading other stories and don't be afraid to leave comments. Understanding what we think works or doesn't work can help us in our writing.

You did a nice job on the ending too. With such a limited word count, many struggle with a strong ending, but you pulled it off with a good strong ending. Your message is a great one too.
Christina Banks 05/16/13
Congratulations on your 3rd place finish in Beginners, Holly! Great job!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/16/13
Congratulations on ranking 3 in your level and 17 overall!
Judith Gayle Smith05/16/13
Delightfully warm and fuzzy. Congratulations!