The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/10/13
Interesting dialog. Hint, you don't always have to have a speech tag, but to avoid possible confusion use one. Second idea, is if you use the name Johnny in the early part of the essay, use the same name later. You used John in the later part, and I had to go back and check to see if it was the same person. Like I said, very interesting way to handle the topic. Keep writing, you have a lot to share.
05/10/13
Nice job here! I thought this was a clever piece and totally entertaining while offering a powerful message to boot. Loved it.

God bless~
I think this is quite creative. You do a nice job of pulling in the reader. You have several great showing than telling lines,but trying showing even more. Instead of using the line Exasperated, the angel stared. (I do love that you used that instead of a tagline) Go a step further and show what exasperated looks like. For example: The angel clenched his jaw and glared at the apprentice.

I really enjoyed this mini angel lesson and could visualize it easily. For me personally the last few lines could have been left out. Since you suddenly shift from the angels to speaking directly to the reader it can come off feeling a tad preachy. The reader will get the message from your story so you don't have to tell them directly.

Overall, I think you did a splendid job. I love the characters. The topic is blended into the story in a fresh way. Your dialog is natural and a great banter at the perfect pace. Good job.