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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Drip (04/25/13)

TITLE: Sudden Changes
By Deborah Sampson
05/02/13


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What a horrific night Madeline faced. Her brother was brought to the hospital a few hours ago and the outlook looked extremely bleak.

Madeline arrived at the hospital about a half hour after Derek arrived. He was already hooked up to many pieces of equipment in the hospital room.

Walking into his intensive care now, caught Madeline off guard. She was not prepared for what he looked like and the wires and tubes surrounding her younger brother.

The heart monitor was on, as was the blood pressure cuff in place set at every fifteen minutes for a new reading. The staff had also put in two different IV’s in, one in each arm. He was also hooked up to Oxygen.

The Doctors told her of his condition upon arriving, and what they still needed to do. They had taken a scan of his brain, back, and stomach. Blood work also was taken for many answers. He was unconscious when he arrived, and still was unconscious 9 hours later.

Madeline couldn’t get hold of her parents, they were somewhere on a business trip and had their phone off, or no reception. They would be devastated. She needed them right now; her silent prayer went out to the Lord for her brother and to get ahold of her parents soon.

During the night she watched the entire special machines, their noises, or the colorful lights but the most intriguing was the drip from the IV. You could almost hear it, and at times you could count them, as they slowly entered the tubing and headed for Derek’s arms and entry into his body.

The first time the bag ran out the noise of the machine was eerie, calling out to the nurse that it needed attention and quickly.

After changing the bag the nurse slowed the drip even more. She asked the nurse if they knew anymore about her brother’s condition, but she shook her head no and she would let her know if they did.

“Have you heard anything about reaching Mom and Dad?”

The nurse looked at the petite girl, such a lovely young lady; the tension on her face was prominent. Nurse Hudson wished she could tell her yes, but her answer was ‘Not yet, sweetie.”

After the nurse left, Madeline took her brother’s hand and prayed and as she did she felt
an intense feeling come over her of joy but peace also. She had heard of this so called peace but never knew till now.
The Doctor came into the room, “Madeline, we have some good news we know now that Derek had a small blood clot go to his brain, we are giving him the medicine through his IV to ward off any permanent damage. He should begin to wake up anytime now. Has he had any recent head trauma that you know of?”

Madeline told him of the football game that his buddies played Saturday. He had told her he had taken a hit that about knock him out. But he appeared fine.

It was a few hours later that she heard Derek begin to stir, he opened his eyes and smiled at his sister, she pushed his call light, “Oh Derek you scared the life out of me! Don’t ever do that again.”

“What happened to me, Sis, I don’t remember too much, nothing really.” He rubbed his handsome face.

After the Doctor checked his progress, they were again able to talk. She told him what happened.

“Hey sis, were you praying for me?”

“At your bedside, I grabbed your hand, it was then that I felt that wonderful feeling of peace, I prayed that dad and mom would be reached also. I haven’t heard from them yet.”

Derek just smiled at her and as he looked beyond her, his smile increased.

Madeline turned around to see her loving parents standing there, they had already had been informed of Derek’s condition and progress.

They took both of their children’s hands in theirs, kissing each one, and entering into a prayer of thankfulness for all of them in this time of need, and praise for what the Lord had done for Derek.


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dub W05/07/13
Okay, first of all, you are a good story teller. Here are some things to think about. 1. Watch out for tense shifts . 2. Remember point of view (who is telling the story); 3. Transitions are important, the jump to the parents was a problem. Keep writing, you have much to share.
Sunny Loomis 05/07/13
Well told story. Emotional. Glad of the happy ending. Keep your tenses constant. Thank you.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/08/13
You do a nice job of building the suspense as you tell this tale. I could feel the pain and anxiety of the MC.

I noticed some tiny things like Mom should be capitalized if used as a personal name. Also you repeat some words like I noticed hospital was used twice close together. maybe one time use ER.

Overall, I think you did a nice job of weaving the topic throughout this story. I liked the way she felt a sense of peace too Nice job.