The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/07/13
Okay, first of all, you are a good story teller. Here are some things to think about. 1. Watch out for tense shifts . 2. Remember point of view (who is telling the story); 3. Transitions are important, the jump to the parents was a problem. Keep writing, you have much to share.
05/07/13
Well told story. Emotional. Glad of the happy ending. Keep your tenses constant. Thank you.
You do a nice job of building the suspense as you tell this tale. I could feel the pain and anxiety of the MC.

I noticed some tiny things like Mom should be capitalized if used as a personal name. Also you repeat some words like I noticed hospital was used twice close together. maybe one time use ER.

Overall, I think you did a nice job of weaving the topic throughout this story. I liked the way she felt a sense of peace too Nice job.