The Official Writing Challenge
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This is a powerful allegory. I like the examples that you have given. The only thing I might suggest is just take it a step further and tell us a little bit more. Paint a vivid picture and then transition into your message. You make the reader think and that is always good.
I liked this. The format was different, creative. You created interesting word pictures. I liked the variety of sentence structures. Some were like a prizefighters jabs, short and effective strikes. I usually don't comment on poetry ( not really my area) but your weaving it in here works well, especially the dripping format (Like an unseen leak..). Well written and effective message.
Congratulations on placing 12 in your level! (The top 15 in level one can be found on the message boards)