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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Click (04/18/13)

TITLE: No Need for Light Switches in God’s Presence
By Emily Gillilan
04/25/13


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I was illegally sitting at the front desk at the tutoring center with a sign glaring at me: “Only scheduling staff behind the front desk.” Rachel, our head scheduler and beautiful, dutiful biology student appeased my desire to chat. The tension of our conversation mostly came from her obvious preference to be reading her science homework. Her polite chatter reminded me of how distant our “friendship” really was.

We had not surpassed the first stage of friendship—polite reserve—and even though I knew we would likely never enter stage two—gentle joking—and certainly not stage three—full disclosure—I charged into uninvited territory, fully disclosing every detail about the complex dating scenario I had experienced three years earlier. Occasionally she would look down as if to study a graph, but the corners of her mouth curved up into a secret smile. She silently mocked the awkward forcefulness of my interaction, but it didn’t deter me. I had a somewhat willing audience, and more words than my mind could contain.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Shaunta gracefully coming toward the desk to start her shift. Wherever she walked, she seemed to pull an invisible veil off a drab office atmosphere and replace it with radiating sunlight. Even before she got to the desk I began to smile and gaze her direction. She didn’t have to tell me that she knew the living God, his presence moved through her in such a thick way, it made me feel like I was gently sinking beneath warm clear water with my eyes open, and I could still breathe.

I continued to squat in Shaunta’s seat and annoy Rachel for the next fifteen minutes. I knew Shaunta didn’t mind sitting in the corner. Suddenly, we lost power. The first feeling I experienced was relief because I had gotten away with siting at the front desk for another afternoon, without being spotted by our wicked advisor. But in the darkness, my second inclination was to gravitate toward Shaunta. Even though she was not an electrical engineer, and it didn’t seem likely that she had been trained any more than I had in emergency procedures, I thought she must be equipped to navigate darkness.
“Click on the light! Click on the light!” I said, spouting nervous nonsense Shaunta’s direction. “Hush honey,” she said, calmly. “God knows the way. “


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This article has been read 135 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Cinda Carter04/26/13
I enjoyed the story and the way it flowed. It was easy reading and got my attention as to how this would end? Thank you for sharing.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/29/13
This is a sweet story. I'm not big on romances but I really enjoyed this MC's perseverance and found myself smiling throughout.

I did notice a slight POV shift. The reader can only know what the MC knows. So the line about Rebecca silently mocked is actually a shift into her mind instead of the MC's. It's hard to show something like that sometimes, but you did that with the silent smirk, maybe add an eye roll then the reader would be seeing through the MC's eyes and know she was mocking him.

You did a nice job of showing me throughout the other parts of the story, instead of telling the story. I loved the description about how the one girl glowed with the love of God. I think perhaps something might develop between them instead of the beautiful Rebecca. I also really liked how you got your message across without coming off as preachy. You did a fine job with this piece.

If you would like more feedback, check the Brick Throwing Thread on the message boards: http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947&sid=9bf86fd740f6a3f9ea7b0dc030505a40
Judith Gayle Smith05/01/13
Sweet tender story. Oh, to be a friend like this . . .

Throw a Brick for CLICK

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947