The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/26/13
I enjoyed the story and the way it flowed. It was easy reading and got my attention as to how this would end? Thank you for sharing.
This is a sweet story. I'm not big on romances but I really enjoyed this MC's perseverance and found myself smiling throughout.

I did notice a slight POV shift. The reader can only know what the MC knows. So the line about Rebecca silently mocked is actually a shift into her mind instead of the MC's. It's hard to show something like that sometimes, but you did that with the silent smirk, maybe add an eye roll then the reader would be seeing through the MC's eyes and know she was mocking him.

You did a nice job of showing me throughout the other parts of the story, instead of telling the story. I loved the description about how the one girl glowed with the love of God. I think perhaps something might develop between them instead of the beautiful Rebecca. I also really liked how you got your message across without coming off as preachy. You did a fine job with this piece.

If you would like more feedback, check the Brick Throwing Thread on the message boards: http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947&sid=9bf86fd740f6a3f9ea7b0dc030505a40
Sweet tender story. Oh, to be a friend like this . . .

Throw a Brick for CLICK

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947