The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 290 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
04/29/13
What a delightful story. Learn how to paragraph on the challenge and your sense of storytelling will garner more comments. Good job.
04/29/13
"Out of the mouths of babes"
I thoroughly enjoyed it. Go to forums and get some advice on paragraphing. Keep Writing!

04/30/13
Lovely story...loved Henry all the way. Don't worry, the paragraph thing can be fixed in nothing flat.

You have a real knack for telling a delightful story!

Well done!
04/30/13
I enjoyed your sweet story very much. I agree that dividing it into more paragraphs would help make it more readable but overall you've done a great job. Keep writing!
You have the gift of conversational writing - it flows and there is nothing awkward or unnatural. Yes, paragraphing will improve this, but I sure would like to read about all of Henry's adventures - so cute!
Oh I love this! What a delight. I have a special place in my heart for redheads and this one won me over in no time. With a bit of polishing and tweaking this woulds be perfect for a kids' magazine. I really hope you will consider it. I know it may not started off as a kids' story, but oh what a delightful picture book it would make!
I always try not to read the comments so my opinions aren't biased. I do see that you have paragraphs, but when reading online that white space is more important. So try to double space between paragraphs. Almost always start a new paragraph when someone different speaks, even if it is just one word.

Another thing you may hear is to show and not tell. You actually do a pretty good job of that. A couple of ways to do more showing is instead of using taglines like he said or she retorted. Use that space to give the reader some insight to the MC's (Main Character) emotions or personality. For example: "I hate naps!" Henry shifted his weight to his front foot and placed his hands on his hips.
Hopefully that let's you know who is speaking, gives you a mental picture as well as shows that he is a tad annoyed about the thought of naps, perhaps even a bit defensive.

Another way to show is to avoid what I call pesky passives which are verbs like was, is, have etc. Especially in the beginning you want to grab the reader so you might try something like this: Little Henry Cobb craned his neck around the corner and braced his body for it. Just like he knew that Santa sent elves down the smaller chimneys at Christmas, he knew that any minute the sound of it would echo down the hall.

That wasn't perfect as I did it fast to show you what I mean, but I hope it gives you an idea.

I do want to repeat, that I truly delighted in this story. You have a knack for storytelling that is a natural talent. Try reading as many challenge entries as possible and leave some comments. Once you find what you like or don't like in other stories will help you in your own.

I hope to see more of your work. You had me grinning and eating up every word. This is a delightful read, one I wouldn't mind reading again and again if I were ever to be blessed with a grandchild who liked the same story each day. :)
05/02/13
It is a delightful story and the ending was filled with good memories for both of them. What a difference a small child can make in ones life. May God continue to bless you in your writings.
Congratulations on placing 7th in your level and 39 overall! (The highest rankings (top 13 in level one and top 40 overall) can be found on the message boards at http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=36971&sid=fc51905b09e1c3a6153917b33a0614a4 )

You did a grand job in a competitive week, especially for only your second entry. I do hope that you will continue to keep up with the challenge!