The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/25/13
Nice story, couple of things... don't put the name and title or faithwriters at the top. and Alex's not Alex'es. Keep Writing!
Aaaahh! More! Write more!
You leave me holding my breath and anticipating much more . . .

FaithWriters.com-Christian Writers Forum • View topic - Throw a Brick for CLICK

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947
OOhh you did a nice job of building the suspense. I could feel my heart pound as I read, both with anticipation and pain for the MC.

The mantra show don't tell is one many writers constantly grapple with. One way to do that is to get rid of passive verbs like was and replace them with active verbs. For example this: By the time the church service was over, Alex was perspiring profusely.
can become something like this: As the church service concluded, drops of sweat plopped down Alex's back.

It's just a little change, but it helps create more of a picture. You did a great job of developing the characters. I wanted to keep reading, which is always a good sign. i could see you expanding this into a longer story or perhaps even a novel. Good job!