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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Click (04/18/13)

TITLE: Whither Thou Goest..
By Pauline Brakebill
04/22/13


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Faithwriters
Topic : Click
Title: Whither Thou Goest…
By the time the church service was over, Alex was perspiring profusely. His hands were clammy and his shirt was damp. What on earth was Alisa going to tell him that would end their relationship? Finally he had found someone he could care for, and she tells him she couldn’t see him anymore. His luck with women had not been too great since his encounter with Margarita. With bated breath, Alex questioned Alisa, ”Okay, what’s the bad news?”

Her eyes wet with tears, Alisa looked into Alex’es eyes and tried to explain: “ I am not really a camp counselor for teen girls. I am an agent for the Secret Service Agency in Washington. I am on a mission here in Montreal for them, and am using the ‘Counselor’ title as a cover. I can’t tell you anymore, so don’t ask. I know you are here on some sort of secret project, that’s all I know.”

Alex was dumbfounded. Alisa could have stuck a knife in his back and he wouldn’t have been more surprised! “Why did you play around with my emotions if you knew about me? Did you send me that note in my shaving kit? Did you know who I was while we were on the plane?” Alex couldn’t stop questioning her. He needed all his questions answered. Alisa choked back the tears as she listened to Alex rave on.

Responding, “I didn’t know what you were going to be like when I got on the plane. The agency arranged to have our seats together so I could get to know you and see what you were up to. The trouble is, I really got to know you more than I had intended too. I didn’t count on seeing you again, but then you showed up at church. I was glad, because I wanted to see you again, but I didn’t dare arrange it. The people I am investigating were surely watching me. I didn’t want any harm to come to you, that’s why I sent you that note.

“ The man at the church, who stole my purse, was a member of the terrorists bunch. He didn’t know you but he knew who I was. Thank goodness it didn’t click with him that you might be a counter-agent. If only we could have met at a different time and place, we could have made beautiful music together.”

The rush of words and emotions was just too much for Alex. He had to leave and go to his hotel. He needed to sort out all that had happened.

When Alex Arrived at his hotel room, there was a sealed letter waiting for him. He felt very sick at heart. Alex opened the letter. Written in a very nice cursive hand on a white piece of parchment paper were the words, “Come to the Turkistan warehouse on dock 13, at 8:00 am. There will be a group waiting for you. Don’t let any outsiders see you go in. This will be your first opportunity to see how well you memorized the information we sent to you.

As Alex held his head in his hands, he noticed the ‘Gideon Placed‘ Bible next to his water glass. He reached for it. In a daze, he opened it and started to read. He didn’t comprehend the words at first , he just wanted something to comfort him. Funny thing happened, the scripture that he causally turned to was PS. 147:3 Suddenly, it clicked in his mind “This Jesus is talking to me!” He will heal the broken – hearted and set the captive free! I never saw that before.”

The word of that scripture kept hitting him in his spirit. With his fingers he went skipping through the pages, reading as many verses as he could. “I’ve read the Bible before, but I never thought it was relevant for me.”

Alex kept reading till 12:00 midnight. He knew he must get up tomorrow and meet with the terrorist group, so off to bed he went. For some reason, Alex’es mind would not shut down. All he could think of was Alisa and the Bible.

It was 6:30 AM the next day, when there was a knock on the door of his room. Alex didn’t want to get out of bed, but he staggered to the door, opened it, and behind it Alex heard an ominous “click”………


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This article has been read 188 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Patsy Hallum04/25/13
Nice story, couple of things... don't put the name and title or faithwriters at the top. and Alex's not Alex'es. Keep Writing!
Rosey Mucklestone04/26/13
Aaaahh! More! Write more!
Judith Gayle Smith04/28/13
You leave me holding my breath and anticipating much more . . .

FaithWriters.com-Christian Writers Forum • View topic - Throw a Brick for CLICK

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/29/13
OOhh you did a nice job of building the suspense. I could feel my heart pound as I read, both with anticipation and pain for the MC.

The mantra show don't tell is one many writers constantly grapple with. One way to do that is to get rid of passive verbs like was and replace them with active verbs. For example this: By the time the church service was over, Alex was perspiring profusely.
can become something like this: As the church service concluded, drops of sweat plopped down Alex's back.

It's just a little change, but it helps create more of a picture. You did a great job of developing the characters. I wanted to keep reading, which is always a good sign. i could see you expanding this into a longer story or perhaps even a novel. Good job!