29 "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" 32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Matthew 14:29-32 NIV
The moist cool air of night laid thick on my bare arms as we walked holding hands around the cul-de-sac. Dusk was approaching, and like the way the red sea walls threatened to crash, my boyfriend’s empty apartment waited to crush me.
I rolled numbers around in my head, “Maybe I’ll drive home at 9 pm,” I thought.
“Maybe 10, 11…”
The deeper the darkness of night, the more I longed for warm waves of his pulsing circulation, his arms wrapped around me. At 1 am I knew my scheme had worked. I had stayed with him to the point of watering eyes and drooping eyelids. Manning a car at my state of drowsiness would have been unsafe. I couldn’t see that staying with my boyfriend overnight in his apartment was like walking on water without Jesus: immediate sinking.
I didn’t splash against his suggestion to not sleep on the uncomfortable couch. I didn’t splash away his kisses. It was a slow subtle sinking, drowning.
Driving home the next morning my mind screamed against the lowness and dankness of the water I had slipped beneath the previous night. Our transgression marked a fork in my path. Should I forsake my pride and the goals I had made in prayer to God, live with him and find comfort in the fact that everyone I knew was doing the same? Or, should I break off my relationship with this man who did not strive to save intimacy until marriage?
I loved him. But that love wasn’t enough. I sat in my empty bedroom with the door closed and my bible on my lap, singeing my jeans with its heat. I began to heave and sob.
“I can’t feel you God!” I cried.
“Lord save me!”
The separation from God that my sin created was too painful to fully embody. I sensed that I had to break up with my boyfriend.
I met him in a vacant park at dusk. We drove separate cars. I anticipated that I would be weak and sob, and go back on my intention, but I looked up at the green leafy tree gently swaying in the wind above me, and realized that if the relationship wasn’t right for me, it wasn’t right for my boyfriend either. It would be unloving to him to not break it off.
As I walked away from him, it felt as though I leaned back onto an inner tube that gently guided me around the corners of a lazy river midafternoon. Peace flooded my soul. The wind died down, and God was with me.
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