The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/12/13
This is very interesting, the beginnings of a thriller it appears, and a very unique take on the topic. You've got me intrigued.
04/15/13
Move over Alfred Hitchcock...Intriguing and an awesome ending, making us want more. Nicely done, keep on writing, you have a unique flair.

God bless~
04/16/13
I certainly hope there's more to this story, because I want to know what happens to Alex. Good job. You had me involved from the very beginning. And I loved the description of the "nouveau riche."
You have the makings of a very thrilling story here. Your beginning drew me in right away.

There were a couple of little things I noted. Make sure when someone different speaks, that you start a new paragraph, even if it us just one word. Also instead of using taglines like he mused or he moaned, use that space to give the reader a glimpse into the emotions or personality of the characters. For example you could say something like this: Alex jumped at the ringing of the phone. Licking his lips, his hands trembled. "Hello."
Hopefully, this will show he is nervous and show who is speaking.

You did a wonderful job of building the suspense. I wanted to keep reading and learn more about the nefarious actions going on. I think you did a nice job of covering the topic in a fresh and different way. Good job.