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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: "Splash" 4-11-13 Deadline (04/04/13)

TITLE: Journey into the unknown
By Pauline Brakebill
04/07/13


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Faithwriters April 4/4/13
Journey into the unknown
(Phone ringing…)
Picking up the phone, Alex hesitantly said, “Hello”. From the other end came a scratchy voice. The voice sounded like fingernails moving across a chalk board. “I have some information about the ‘Assassins International’. Meet me at the coffee shop, directly across the street from your hotel. I will be sitting at the far table just around the corner.” This will be Alex’s initial dive, and hopefully not too big of a splash into Montreal’s underworld.

Alex hurriedly put his shirt back on and combed his hair. His hands seemed to be trembling now. “Things certainly have a way of happening in a hurry! No rest for the wicked. I must be terribly wicked,” moaned Alex. “I sure could use some rest right now.” Searching the suitcase for a pen and handkerchief, Alex tripped over his shaving kit lying on the floor at the edge the bed. It was unzipped and out fell a small piece of carefully folded paper. “What’s this,” mused Alex. “I don’t remember putting this in my kit,” said the usually neat ‘to an extreme’ Alex. Picking it up very gingerly, Alex unfolded the note. There was a scent of haunting lavender flowing from the paper. Written on it were these words, “I know who you are and I am warning you to stay out of the way or you could encounter a lot of grief”. It was initialed with only ‘A.M.’ “Well who in the dickens is ‘AM’,” snorted Alex. With a frown on his brow, he picked up his pen and handkerchief, and went out the door.

Across the street stood the Chez de la Bouche’, a small elite coffee shop that catered to the nouveau riche’, who think they are quite intellectually gifted. Last evening, Alex sat and listened to them discuss the current world topics, using many big and impressive words. They just knew they were the most educated people on the face of the earth and looked down on the little man. To Alex’s ear, they sounded like children splashing around, drowning in the lake, yet telling everyone they were expert swimmers.

Back to reality. Sitting at the table around the corner, was a tall, dark skinned, gentleman, with thick, black wavy hair. His eyes had dark circles under them and they shown like burning red coals. He motioned for Alex to sit down and have a cup of hot mocha. He took out some dog-eared papers from his brief case, carefully laying them in front of Alex.

“These are the plans for the destruction of the National Park Museum in South Dakota. I received them from your informant the day before he was so viciously blown up. You are to keep them with you and don’t let them out of your sight at any time.”

Alex’s nature was one of suspicion. He had to be very cautious in his line of work. As he flipped through the sheets, his mind was racing in different directions. “What if this is a trap to see if I am who I say I am? Suppose this guy is one of the terrorists and is here to see how much I already know. I’d best be careful what I say to him. I wonder how he knew about me already?”

Speaking directly to the stranger, Alex very calmly stated, “ Just who are you; what makes you think that I can trust you?” The stranger’s eyes narrowed and a black sinister shadow fell across his face.

“I am the one person that you must trust, you have no choice. You must report to me any information that you gather from this organization. I will be the only protection you might have in this group. Remember, they are cold blooded killers. Your life means nothing to them. You will not see me again until I contact you, but I will be in the shadows of your life. Now it is time for me to go . In the next 24 hours you will receive a telegram from the liaison between the terrorists and myself. Heed very carefully the instructions, do exactly what it says.”

With those chilling words, the man slipped away into the darkness. Alex was left with a splash of cold chills running up and down his spine. From then on, Alex had to be on guard for his life……



738 words


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This article has been read 222 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Nancy Bucca 04/12/13
This is very interesting, the beginnings of a thriller it appears, and a very unique take on the topic. You've got me intrigued.
CD Swanson 04/15/13
Move over Alfred Hitchcock...Intriguing and an awesome ending, making us want more. Nicely done, keep on writing, you have a unique flair.

God bless~
Michelle Knoll 04/16/13
I certainly hope there's more to this story, because I want to know what happens to Alex. Good job. You had me involved from the very beginning. And I loved the description of the "nouveau riche."
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/16/13
You have the makings of a very thrilling story here. Your beginning drew me in right away.

There were a couple of little things I noted. Make sure when someone different speaks, that you start a new paragraph, even if it us just one word. Also instead of using taglines like he mused or he moaned, use that space to give the reader a glimpse into the emotions or personality of the characters. For example you could say something like this: Alex jumped at the ringing of the phone. Licking his lips, his hands trembled. "Hello."
Hopefully, this will show he is nervous and show who is speaking.

You did a wonderful job of building the suspense. I wanted to keep reading and learn more about the nefarious actions going on. I think you did a nice job of covering the topic in a fresh and different way. Good job.