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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sharp (03/07/13)

TITLE: The Pierced Heart
By Pauline Brakebill
03/08/13


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The Pierced Heart
Alex was exhausted when he arrived at his apartment. The trip from Columbia was lined with terror and dirt. His body felt grimy and the normal aches and sharp pains ran rampant over him. “I think I’ll sleep for a week.” Alex’s mind went back to his last day in Columbia, and the tears came again. Margarita was so beautiful, but he lost her! “I’ll never have a love like that again.” he moaned. “ But life goes on and I don’t know what lies ahead, so I better be prepared.”
On Tuesday, Alex was to go to headquarters and get his next assignment. Upon arriving at the ‘head examiner’s’ office, he was ushered into a small dark room where a fat little man was sitting. He had a squeaky, sharp voice which irritated my ears. The desk was littered with unfiled papers and lunch wrappings, and the place stunk like old garlic.
Alex sat down in the chair which the little man motioned to and he started speaking. “Ouch that irritates my ears, I mused”. “Alex, we have a problem up in Canada. There is a group of dissidents living in the suburbs of Montreal. There are about 50 of them, plotting to take out some of the National Park Service’s recreational sites. They are planning to do this sometime in the summer of ’14. We had an undercover man there about month ago, but he met with a terrible accident. It killed his wife and himself. Terrible, just terrible! They think this group found out who he was and fixed his car so it would explode on command.” The fat little man scratched his head and looked Alex right in the eye and said, “That’s where you come in. The agency tells me that you are afraid of nothing and as sharp as a tack. Well, we’ll see.”
Alex received his orders then left the room. “Boy, was that ever a crumby little office. I certainly hope I never have to come here again.” On that note, Alex found a phone and booked a flight to Montreal. He figured that he would be there about 6 months, so he didn’t book a round trip. Besides, who knows what would transpire during the 6 months.
Alex wearily found his seat, put his baggage up and sat down. Sitting in the seat next to him was this gorgeous lady who looked much like Margarita. Alex couldn’t help staring at her as his heart began to pound. She looked up and smiled and went back to reading. Curious, I asked, “What are you reading?” “I’m reading the book of Isaiah in the Bible”, she smiled. “I guess I didn’t read that when I was growing up, what’s it all about.” he asked. “It’s about many of the prophecies God gave His people. You know that God’s word is sharper than a two edged sword.” “I looked at her again in awe. She was not only beautiful, but religious. How could I be so lucky,” Alex thought.
Her name was Alisa and she was going to Montreal as a counselor at a summer camp for Christian girls, 14 - 18 years old. Then she asked Alex what his destination was. He told her that he would be taking a vacation at a spa on the outskirts of Montreal. It wasn’t a lie, because he really thought of this assignment as a vacation.
The Plane landed at 4:30. Alisa and Alex debarked together; Alex asked her if she would have a cup of coffee with him before they went their separate ways. She agreed and they walked across the tarmac into a sharp north wind. This chill was unusual for this time of year. They had a very friendly conversation, then said their good-bye’s and parted.
Racing through his mind were thoughts like: “Would I ever see her again? Could we ever become serious about each other?” Only time will tell and many adventures will come! Alex arrived at his room and settled in while visions of Alisa sharply danced in his head.
Just then the phone rang……………


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Member Comments
Member Date
Bonnie Bowden03/14/13
Very creative and thrilling. I bet I know who is going to call, but I could be wrong.

My only suggestion would be to double space between paragraphs and quotations.
Judith Gayle Smith03/15/13
Enjoyable and highly entertaining!
CD Swanson 03/17/13
This was a really compelling tale, it had my interest from start to finish.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 03/17/13
This is a sweet story. I'm not big on romances but this intrigued me. I also think you introduced the conflict right away which helped to draw the character in.

You have some tiny things that either a good proofreader would help you catch or even if you let the story set for a day , you might catch them. In the beginning, for just a line or two you switched from third person to telling in first. Make sure when someone new speaks, that you start a new paragraph each time, even if it's just one word.You may also want to double space between sentences to give the reader that white space. Try to avoid passive words like was and in this sentence: The trip from Columbia was lined with terror and dirt. Not only is it a passive verb, but I couldn't quite understand what you were saying, try to use active verbs like The trip to Columbia terrified him while covering him in a layer of dirt.

Overall you did a nice job. You definitely covered the topic and used several different definitions of sharp. like how the story came full-circle, first he was bemoaning one girl, but my the end another had piqued his interest. I also liked the Bible verses you used. They were a great fit. Nice job.