The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/14/13
Very creative and thrilling. I bet I know who is going to call, but I could be wrong.

My only suggestion would be to double space between paragraphs and quotations.
Enjoyable and highly entertaining!
03/17/13
This was a really compelling tale, it had my interest from start to finish.

God bless~
This is a sweet story. I'm not big on romances but this intrigued me. I also think you introduced the conflict right away which helped to draw the character in.

You have some tiny things that either a good proofreader would help you catch or even if you let the story set for a day , you might catch them. In the beginning, for just a line or two you switched from third person to telling in first. Make sure when someone new speaks, that you start a new paragraph each time, even if it's just one word.You may also want to double space between sentences to give the reader that white space. Try to avoid passive words like was and in this sentence: The trip from Columbia was lined with terror and dirt. Not only is it a passive verb, but I couldn't quite understand what you were saying, try to use active verbs like The trip to Columbia terrified him while covering him in a layer of dirt.

Overall you did a nice job. You definitely covered the topic and used several different definitions of sharp. like how the story came full-circle, first he was bemoaning one girl, but my the end another had piqued his interest. I also liked the Bible verses you used. They were a great fit. Nice job.