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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Tie (02/28/13)

TITLE: The Big Race
By Devante Tophoney
03/05/13


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Annabelle put on a short sleeve shirt. She put on her black-and-white shorts, and drove to a park. She was racing that day, and that was where she was racing. She was sure she would win. She had been practicing a lot. She wanted to win badly, because the prize was a big, shiny, gold trophy. She saw it online and it was the most beautiful thing she ever saw! She totally wanted to win it. When she got there, the other racers were already there. When the judge put her hand down from the air, the race started. All of the racers, including Annabelle, kept the exact same pace, and there was a tie! Annabelle never thought this would happen. Her prediction about winning was wrong! There were 5 trophies and 5 racers. Each racer got a trophy from the judge. The judge liked to be fair. That is why she had 5 trophies ready for the 5 racers. Annabelle was happy for her, and the other racers, (who were bullies which is why I'm not saying their name) even though they were bullies.


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This article has been read 155 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Allison Egley 03/07/13
This is a cute idea!

This needs to be expanded. Tell us more. Why did she want the trophy so badly? What was she thinking during the race? What did she do to try to get ahead? How did she feel when it was a tie? Thee are a lot of details that are missing in this story.

If you expand this, this could be a really cute story. Keep writing!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 03/11/13
This is interesting take. I think your take on the topic was fresh. I didn't think of that meaning at all when I first saw the topic.

Some of your lines feel a bit stilted and repetitive. You may want to consider smoothing them out like this: Annabelle put on a short sleeve shirt and her black-and-white shorts. Her heart pounded as she drove to the park for the big race.

I found myself wanting to know more about Annabelle--especially the bullies. That's a good sign when a reader wants to keep reader. Keep writing those stories you feel led to write.
Judith Gayle Smith03/13/13
I felt I was in the race with her! And do I remember bullies. sigh. There will always be bullies - and there will always be Jesus to love us through these trying times.

I find outlining helps to corral my thoughts and expand my ideas.

Good job - you get to the heart immediately.