The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/07/13
Well written story. Creative way to introduce the word, tie, into the story.

I fell in love with the MC.

One small correction:
The boy held on tightly not tight.
You have a great start for a story here. I really like the MC and I found him wiggling his way into my heart. The beginning was a great pull. It grabbed my attention right away.

Just a few things to consider. This isn't a complete sentence:rang out the words of the headmistress at the school. You do a lot of telling instead of showing. One way to fix it would be to take the above line and switch it around to something like this: The headmistress shook her fist in the air and stamped her foot. Then it identifies the speaker and paints a picture for the reader. You started in the third person then switched to first along the way.

I can tell that the Orphan train is an idea you have really thought out and could see you developing this into a longer story for elementary age kids. I know it may have seemed like I mentioned a lot of things wrong, but they are all things a proofreader or a critique group would help you with. I think you have some great characters and it's not easy to develop their personalities in only 750 words, but you did a great job with that. I think you have a lot of potential and hope you keep writing as I am eager to read more of your stories.
I felt a tie to Charles Dickens here - and then you caught my heart fully when you had this little dickens (!) become part of the childless, older parents who so hungered for a little boy. I am in the same boat as they, being childless and almost seventy. You melted my heart.
03/13/13
I enjoyed the way you were able to share some of the MC's angst about his situation with us.