The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/07/13
Both exciting and sad story. Try separating your paragraphs to make it a little easier on the eye.

Great job, keep writing:)
03/09/13
You told a fascinating story. There's so much there, I think it would be good as a longer story, or even a good novel. Your beginning intrigued me because of the juxtaposition of the country church and the world of the drug cartel. But it became a distraction because I kept looking for how they were tied together. I think your story would have been complete without that beginning.
Wow you packed a lot of story into under 750 words. I think you did a great job. The beginning drew me right in and I was eager to keep reading.

I noticed little things like their instead of there and you should write out numbers under a hundred. This line: Then into the room walked Margarita
is passive and is more telling than showing, but if you switch it around bit, you can paint a picture for the reader like this: My heart pounded and the saliva in my mouth dried up the minute Margarita walked into the room.
I hope that shows you what I mean.

I think you have a lot of talent and I did enjoy the story. you have a wonderful way of building the suspense. I suspect if you were to expand on this story without a word count limiting you that you could make it spectacular. I truly enjoyed every bit of it.
Wow. This is captivating. Rivetting. Too soon ended. Great job!
03/13/13
This story drew me immediately in.

The contrast with the church and the cartel setting is most contemporary in many parts of the world. They are often side by side but functioning as opposites in purpose.

Songs do take us back to times and events in our life. Good way to bind it all together.



very sad but thought provoking. great short story