The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 378 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
This was a fun read. The title interested me and the story kept me hooked. Very creative. I would have liked to see an ending more worthy of the rest of the story as far as the surprise factor. More white space would make your stories more readable. Overall, I thought this was great. Loved it.
Intriguing and intricate. I might have had the Bible opened on the table in that hidden room - perhaps open to Romans. This is a most interesting entry. Thank you.
03/05/13
Great story with a perfect ending! I am thrilled with "endings" that have purpose and meaning, and yours had all that and more.

Great job. God bless~
I so totally loved this story. You did a superb job on it. I was hooked right away and by the end I found I was leaning closer and holding my breath. You have a delightful gift with suspense.

I noticed some tiny errors with the punctuation. You may want to invest in an excellent book called Elements of Style by Strunk and White. When using a tagline like he said, then you have a comma and a lowercase to connect the dialog with the tagline. You did use some great narrative lines like: she hands me a can labeled, Bordeau Brown, and walks away. This is a great example of showing and is a complete sentence. It can stand on it's own without the dialog so when using that instead of a comma at the end of the dialog, you need a period and the S in She should be a capital one.

Those were tiny details. I would suggest you use less taglines and more narrative ones as it identifies your speaker plus gives the reader insight into the characters. For example your first like could be changed just to Joy stares at the wall. I also admire your ability to write in the present tense. it's not easy to do without accidentally switching to the past tense. i think you did a great job with that. There are so many things that are delightful about this piece. You covered the topic in a fresh and exciting way. Your ending was perfect. it's not easy to pull off a perfect ending but you did just that. I'm excited to see how this will do, I suspect it should do quite well.
Congratulations for placing 14th in your level! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.