The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/22/13
This is a great storyline and has all the makings of an interesting novel: Interesting main character, inciting indicent, rising conflict, and a major moral decision toward the end.

However, for such a small word count, like the Challenge, it felt squished, like you had so much to tell in 750 words, that you had to 'tell' everything.

But don't despair, because this is only my opinion. Often, I see things differently than the judges.

Plus, I really think you have something here. I would love to see this expanded out into a larger story, where you've built up the setting and characters. For example, the main character's big moral decision at the end is something that would, by itself take more than 750 words to adequately describe, because often, it takes a little more than the clanking of our Jesus-inspired jewelry to set us back on the right track.

Seriously, though, I could see this as a great Middle Grade novel...

02/22/13
This was such an excellent read...I really loved it!
Nicely done, and so glad that the MC chose the right path. Really good story here and great writing.

God Bless~
I love this story! It is quite different than others that I have read. I thought it was a creative take on the topic.

Many writers will struggle their whole lives with the show don't tell concept. It's difficult to obtain the perfect balance. You did a lot of telling. For example:Instead of telling that a strange whispering was going on show with something like this: Caleb cupped his hand around John's ear as he whispered just low enough yo make Gina tilt her head, in hopes of over hearing the buzzing.
I hope that gives you an idea of what I mean.

Your opening paragraph was filled with fantastic examples of showing. It painted a picture and helped me relate to the MC. Though the ending might have been a tiny bit predictable, I still found myself eager to keep reading to the end. Your message came out clear without being preachy. All in all a fascinating bit of storytelling.
02/28/13
Very well done entry. I was shocked and surpised at the ending. You brought the scene and the characters to life very well.
Congratulations on placing fifth in your level and for ranking 35 overall! (The highest rankings can be found on the message boards for the top 8 to 15 in each level and the top 35 overall.)
02/28/13
Congrats. God bless~