I wanna RUN! and I mean literally, not like I wanna run from my family or my responsibilities, I just want to step foot out of my house an RUN! RUN & RUN & RUN! till I have no breath left(which honestly wouldn't take long). I am not a runner, I would guess that I could maybe run half a mile in like...20min or so!?? seriously, I have made it a life rule that I will only run in cases of direr emergencies, like if someone was chasing me with a sharp object, not even a gun would do, I mean why run from a gun, it goes faster that half a mile in 20 min.I couldn't win that. But it is possible, that I could possibly, run from someone....maybe!
The last two days have been just a complete reck for me. I am continually struggling to find a balance between work, church, family and my "calling".
Is there a balance that works? I don't know, but I do know that many women before me have made the same trek that I am on and they have made it.
By made it, I mean they survived! Im not looking to get famous, or be a rock star by any means, at this point I am looking to survive.
I tell my husband how I am feeling over a text, and he responds with scripture in Matthew that says something along the lines of You were faithful with little and now I will entrust you with much.
All I could think was..that guy had one bag of coins to take care of, I have like 8 bags flying around with the coins acting like jumping beans, trying to escape the bags, and honestly I feel like all the beans are gonna get loose and I am gonna be left just holding empty bags.
After leaving work yesterday, Amber came over to my house, she was struggling with a Bible study she was putting together and in the midst of payer had found an answer that only God could have revealed. I will save this for a latter post after she is done teaching it. She came to share her revelation with me, but almost immediately I found myself crying, asking her how do we balance ALL this stuff...shes so patient, she let me rant and simply said "God is convicting your heart, listen to him"
Then later that night I am going over to Teresa's house, the whole trip there I am fighting the urge to just run up to the house and fall on her and start crying.
Whats funny about all this is, this is not emotional at all, I know it sounds a little crazy, OK a lot crazy but I am having no emotional connection to all of this, actually it is much deeper than that all together.
I have found myself reading devotionals in the morning, only to find myself skimming them and wanting more of the scripture, its not that they are not good devotionals, they are. I just cant seem to get filled by it. It simply is NOT enough. This is a blog post all in and of itself, so Ill save that.
Last night as we talked I realized that I have two main fears in my life that drive me, one is of the world, my family, my bosses, my employees etc..that I will let them down. The other is of God and what He wants me to do and that I will let Him down.
I don't think these fears are unprecedented, as a matter of fact I think everyone struggles with this issue at some point, or if you are like me, its a daily thing.
I want the people in my life to think great things about me, but I don't want that at the expense of God's thoughts about me.
My heart is on the RUN!!!
I WILL LOVE HIM & SERVE HIM ABOVE ALL!!
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