Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Note (02/07/13)
TITLE: The Notes that Don't Lie
By Kimberly Miller
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On the morning of his birthday I grabbed his ragged old Bible. Starting in Galatians the pages had begun to fall out in chunks. It appeared that my dad may have been a heavy reader of the Word, but in fact he primarily only read one book of the Bible-and that was during the last year or so of his life.
I turned to Proverbs; it was his favorite book. My dad was an intellectual man of sorts and a bit too smart for his own good-this is how he ended up in prison for bank fraud and why he liked Proverbs. He was also a logical man; it took till his death for the Lord to grab a hold of his heart and convince him of His reality.
As I skimmed through the Proverbs I began to cry. It was the only book he had marked any notes in besides underlining one verse about unbelief in Mark. But throughout all the Proverbs were inscribed little notes; his eloquent handwriting having penned these different thoughts. And about ninety-percent had to do with me.
You see, I had moved out, mostly on the dictation of my church. I had gone to live with another family right before my dad developed the cancer that both saved his soul and destroyed his bones. It was around this time that he began to become a "church man" and read the Word. As one might imagine, he primarily had his "wayward" and "estranged" daughter on his mind during this time. And thus, all throughout Proverbs were highlighted the multitudinous verses dealing with rebellious sons who scorned correction and were given to folly. I could easily tell that he was thinking about me.
And I wept, realizing once again with blatant sorrow how deeply I had hurt my father during that period of my life; realizing that my father actually loved me and was furiously jealous of the fact that another "father" was taking his rightful place in my life. At the time I hadn't been aware of the fact that he cared about me. But the letter "K" noted next to the endless verses throughout Proverbs couldn't lie to the truth that I was both loved and desired by this man.
As grief overcame me I fervently tore through the rest of the Bible; searching its expanse for any more hidden notes that might reveal his love for me. There were none; none but the shame and sorrow of those verses noted in Proverbs.
With a heavy sigh I sat there, longing to do nothing more than to write my dad a note and explain to him everything I never had the chance to say. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. I never meant to reject him as a father, respond in anger towards my mother, or rip apart my family. I was simply broken. I was afraid. I was hurt and angry, and didn't know how to respond in any other way but to act out in pain. I wanted to tell him I was blind to his love for me. I saw myself as abandoned and unwanted, manipulated by the lies resulting from abuse that I didn't know how to deal with or process. I yearned to explain the revelations I've received and share with him the healing the Lord's brought to me. I wanted to let him know I forgave him and don't blame him. Most of all I wanted to tell him I was okay; I turned out okay and he has a grandchild on the way.
I closed his Bible and wiped my eyes, knowing that he already knows all these things and there's no need to bear regret; we'll have all of eternity to share our hearts with one another anyways. I thanked Jesus for the time of restoration we had right before he died, knowing fully that he knew he was loved by me as a daughter and that I in return had finally received his love for me as a father. Those notes were nothing but a sign of the truth of what I now believe, "He loved me."
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