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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Note (02/07/13)

TITLE: A Cry In The Night
By Richard Hicks


Afraid to move, John lay in his bed motionless at 4:00 a.m. His muscles ached from staying in the same position for hours, as he stared at the ceiling. With the shades drawn, the darkness seemed to envelope the entire room, including John. With all the strength he could muster, he breathed in and out in overwhelming anguish. He didn’t think he could take much more. Gloom and thick darkness filled the atmosphere.

In the spiritual realm, Satan summoned the demons of death and suicide. One by one, they assembled around John’s bed, like mourners around a coffin. In disgust and hate, they looked down upon his struggling body and soul. Finally, one of the suicide demons in the room spoke in a chilling, sinister voice, “Kill yourself.” He motioned for the other demons. All together, they began chanting those life-defying words in unison. John could hear them loud and clear. For several months, John had listened to their taunts; each blast had drained him more and more.

In John’s trashcan lay several wadded up suicide notes, which he had attempted to write. As much as he tried, he could not get the right words. The last note that he had finally written several hours earlier, lay on his desk. The crinkled note, stained from John’s tears, almost made it difficult to read. “I cannot handle living like this anymore. No one cares or tries to understand what I am going through. In a month or so, I will be forgotten. Goodbye. “

John still heard the demons chanting, and even laughing in the background. One criminal-like voice said, “Just hurry and get it over with.”

Yet, another demon spoke, “John, even the church people think you are a lost cause. Do us all a favor and kill yourself. It would be so easy to take that bottle of sleeping pills you have in your hand.”

Sensing John at the very edge of life and death, the demons began to rejoice. Some danced and clapped their hands in delight. Suddenly the demons around John’s bed stomped their feet in perfect rhythm. “Everyone wants you dead.”

Still in the bed, yet wide awake, sweat started to drizzle down John’s face. Something heavy suffocated him. He could no longer handle his emotions. From deep within his heart, he sobbed uncontrollably. Suddenly, John screamed with everything that was within him, “God, please, help me!” The pill bottle fell out of his hand and rolled across the floor. John curled up in a ball and rocked back and forth.

As a host of angels swept into the bedroom, the atmosphere took a drastic turn. John trembled, unable to fight back the tears. Angels of glowing light flew down from every direction as a voice loudly proclaimed, “That is enough!”

The group of demons suddenly became disoriented and scattered everywhere. They blindly stumbled and tripped all over each other. Some attempted to hide from the great light, but could not get away fast enough. The brightness of the light incinerated several of the weak ones into ashes.

Angels reached out and ministered to John that night. “You are greatly loved, for The Father has great plans for you.” Some spoke while others sang. Soon enough, the angels ushered in the presence of Jesus. Jesus, Himself, entered into John’s room that night. He held John close. “Sleep, my child, sleep.” John fell asleep peaceful and unafraid.

The angels lingered as John slept, worshiping God as the presence of Jesus filled his entire house. One of the angels pointed to a scripture on the bulletin board over John’s bed. The angel in charge said, “Get the note.” The post-it note fell from the bulletin board, and glowed as if on fire.

That afternoon, John woke up in a peaceful state. Noticing that the post-it note had fallen and landed on the floor, he reached down and picked it up. Reminded about the early morning events, a single tear fell from his eye. He read the scripture loud and clear that day. “The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but victory belongs to the Lord.” Proverbs 21:31 (NASB)

Authors Note: This is my first fiction story.

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This article has been read 406 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Alicia Renkema02/14/13
I am so very thankful for this story of yours, it will touch a whole host of human hearts, mine being one. I lost my father to suicide when I was 18 years old. I have no idea of his relationship with the Lord, I can only pray. I do know he was plagued with a mental health disorder. This is a beautifully done peace of writing. It is hard to believe that this is your first effort at fiction writing, it is so clearly and descriptively depicted. You made your MC so relatable and boy was I thankful when those angels came on the scene! I am hoping you will be moving up to the next level soon. Blessings.
Virgil Youngblood 02/16/13
This is outstanding. The title caught my attention and the suspense built paragraph by paragraph. The ending left a good feeling. This is a subject matter that touches everyone in one way or another and I like the way you handled it.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 02/17/13
This is such a powerful story in so many ways. There are tons of messages wrapped up in it which is always a great thing. I think people with mental problems and even those without connection to one, can learn so much from this piece. For me the most powerful part was the realization that the demons poked and mocked him until the second he cried out for God's help. Instantly the angels invaded the room and battled on behalf of the MC. That's a valuable message for anyone suffering from anything. Outstanding job.
Susan Montaperto02/17/13
For a first attempt, this is so well done. The story is very clearly presented. I loved the transition from the demons to the angelic host. The nmessage and the hope it presents is worth reading again and again. thank you.
Margaret Kearley 02/18/13
This is a wonderful powerful piece of writing and, though fiction, has depths of reality to many who have been in similar positions. I thoroughly agree with all the comments already posted. I pray this beautiful story will speak to many. You have strongly illustrated the saving power of God, His immediate rescuing action to desperate prayer, and given a glimpse of the battles going on in heavenly places. Thank you for this wonderful story.
Cheryl Harrison02/18/13
Good start on your fiction writing. Reminds me a little of Max Lucado. Would like to read another chapter. Keep writing.
lynn gipson 02/18/13
You had me from the beginning. A story I can well relate to from my younger years. You told it very well. This should do very well, I think.

I have seen those angels you write of. God Bless
Terry R A Eissfeldt 02/18/13
I enjoyed your first fiction piece! Thanks.
Judith Gayle Smith02/18/13
Your first fiction piece - incredible. I agree wholeheartedly with all the comments posted. Beautifully crafted and heart twisting. Thank you . . .
Danielle King 02/19/13
Powerful writing; gripping; had me chewing my fingernails off. This is a great start to fiction writing and carries a sound message with it too. Having worked in Mental Health, I can appreciate the depths to which your MC plummeted. Well done.
Bea Edwards 02/19/13
You did an absolutely skillful job at presenting the topic in a unique and powerful way. Your story gripped my spirit and lifted my soul when God's angels came to battle! Well done first timer!!
Lillian Rhoades 02/19/13
I agree with all the comments. A few, minor grammar issues noted. Watch out for the overuse of "had" and "that." Most of the time they're unnecessary. Ex. "The last note that he had written" does just as well without the "that."

Love the imagery, word usage, and your ability to paint a scene.

Great job!
Sheldon Bass 02/19/13
Are you certain that's your first piece of fiction? Because it was spellbinding!
You won't stay in level one for long. I loved the entrance of the heavenly angels, with one demon being incinerated--so dramatic. I'll be watching for more entries from you. I'll leave the critiques for the Pros.
Noel Mitaxa 02/21/13
You have captured so much depth and powerful imagery in this wonderful entry. It should rate very well.
Alicia Renkema02/21/13
I am so proud of your extremely well deserved 6th place win! You already know what I think of this entry, it is amazing. Have an awesome rest of your week celebrating your achievement. Blessings to you Richard...
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 02/21/13
Congratulations for ranking 6th in your level!!! HAPPY DANCE!! (The highest rankings overall and the top 14 in level one can be found on the message boards.) I'm really proud of you. You put a lot of work in this and you were up against some really competitive writers! Again HAPPY DANCE!!