The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/08/13
Great job with this entry. I enjoyed it so much.

God bless~
02/08/13
This would make a good children's book. Just need to leave some space between quotations and paragraphs. I loved the title.
I think this is a delightful piece from the title to the very end. Children's stories are my favorite genre and I think with some polishing it could make a delightful children's picture book. If you would be interested in tweaking it some to make it a strong enough story to submit to a kids' magazine or perhaps to be used as A Sunday School take home sheet, feel free to PM me and I'll give you some suggestions.

One thing publishers look for in children stories is to have the MC resolve the conflict with some guidance from the adult. A way you could do that in this story would be to switch the ending up just a bit by having Slyvia think about the love in the Master's eyes. Surely if He knew she needed help, he would come rescue her so she bleated as loud and as long as she could and then sure enough the Shepherd brings her home. It's really not that different than what you said but it would teach kids to cry out to God in good times and in bad.

I really like the POV from the little sheep. Though there have been lots of stories this week about shepherds and their staffs, telling it from a different point of view made the story fresh and endearing. You seem to have a knack for storytelling and I hope you will keep writing because I suspect there are many more stories in you!
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