The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/08/13
Beautiful and powerful devotional. God bless~
I really enjoyed this creative piece. So many have talked of Jesus and his staff this week, but they mainly meant the stick type of staff. I think your concept is a brilliant take on the topic.

I did notice a few little things, that for me, interrupted the flow. Take your opening line for example:
This may seem like nitpicking, but I mention it because it did make me stop and reread it several times. One may think eliminating a tiny word like is and using commas instead wouldn't make much of a difference but because you have two verbs (is and specialises) that fight with each other it can make the reader stumble. One way to fix it would be this: My Father's world-wide business, animal husbandry, specializes in rearing sheep.
By doing it this way, you get rid of the passive word is and it flows differently.

Little things like that can be easily fixed if you decide to revise this and use it elsewhere, however, it doesn't distract from your message at all. You do a great job of pulling me in and making me think. Your ending was great too, though I don't think you need the bullet points at the end because you did a great job of making those exact points earlier. When an author speaks directly to the reader (Do you know what? And ...will you be one?) can have the opposite effect than intended and it might feel preachy instead. I think the last paragraph nicely wraps up your message and leaves the reader with a sense of hope and a longing to be a member of the Father's staff. I want to stress that though it might feel like I'm being super fussy, the reason for that is because I can feel your passion in your words. You have an intense desire to help others find the same sense of peace that you know. It brings tears to my eyes as I read it and I have no doubt that this piece, and other stories that God invites you to write on his behalf will reach more hearts in more ways than you can ever imagine. This is one of the gifts God has given you and I have been blessed by your words so please keep writing and know my comments are only meant to help you become the best writer you can be. Thank you for helping me start out the day motivated to be a staff member for Jesus, how cool is that? :-)