The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/08/13
Wow- This was quite intense. I enjoyed the ending. You've managed to leave the readers wanting more. Good job with biblical reference.

God bless~
You have a genuine gift of storytelling. I think you did a great job of building the suspense in this story.

You do need to brush up on some of the mechanics of writing like quotation marks, starting a new paragraph each time someone different is speaking, and checking for typos. The best thing would be to find a proofreader who can help you through those rules and rough patches. You may also want to get a book that helps with the mechanics. My favorite is Strunk's Elements of Style. Another great source is on FW message boards (the main board is Writing Discussions) under the thread titles Ann's Grammar Basics and Jan's Writing Basics. There is a plethora of knowledge and help hints here.

I think this story is an excellent take on the topic. One goal a writer has when writing on topic is to write in such a way that the reader could guess what the topic is or write in such a way if you were to remove the topic words the story would fall apart and not make sense. Many people incorrectly think that just a quick sentence with the topic word in it makes the story on topic. Your story is an excellent example of how to make the topic word the center of the story.

There are eight criteria the judges use when scoring a story. I believe you would score the lowest on crafting (proper grammar, punctuation, flow, predictability). I think you would score better in the creativity criterion. You have a nice creative and interesting take on the topic.
The ending criterion may be a tad weak as well. I want to know what happened next. It's always a good sign when your reader wants to keep reading. It's difficult to get a complete story in under 750 words, but there too is another place where a proofreader or challenge buddy could help you.
I think your beginning was also quite good. (Though it's confusing because it is difficult to follow who is who and who is speaking or doing what. I thought Jessie and Elaine were both females until I reached the middle or so of the story.) But you introduced the conflict immediately and I found myself eager to keep reading.

Keep writing and working on ways to polish your craft. There is no doubt that you have amazing raw talent, and with some tweaking, would have an outstanding story.