It’s a day of dark emotion. Memories of the past are flooding back to me. The pain, the torment, the complete despair of what I once lived has presented itself to me again. Though I know it’s not real and I know that these troubles are merely part of my past, I can feel the same emotions with every part of me. This is a dark day and I want nothing more than to run from it.
I’m trapped. Looking around me for options that may present themselves as a means of escape, I find nothing. It seems I am captured, completely encircled and can do nothing else but live through the experience.
My head continues to spin and I feel difficulty in breathing. I call out in desperation, “help me… this hurts too much”. I call out to my God, to anyone.
Though I know my deep despair is nothing in comparison, I begin to truly empathise and value the experience of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane.
His words, “Papa, Father, you can- can’t you?- get me out of this. Take this cup away from me” (Mark 14: 36 (The Message)), meet with my soul. I understand them without doubt… this is so near to the depth of how I feel.
Still, my God doesn’t free me. He is allowing me to live with this pain. Perhaps he doesn’t care. Perhaps, he does care. Perhaps he knows that these emotions are for my growth, for my level of understanding. Whatever his reason, I plead for freedom, regardless.
It becomes obvious that I must endure all that he has laid before me. And so, begrudgingly I accept all that I have to. In response & frustration, I cry. The sense of immediate release aids me. Perhaps there is freedom at last. I’m fooled by this release. Though freedom did come, it wasn’t for long enough.
Finally, it dawns on me. My approach to this whole scenario is what is holding me back. Perhaps…. Just maybe, my response should be to praise God for all I’ve been given rather than pity myself in my emotion.
Yes, it is so easy to become entangled in this darkness, to hope & pray that it will abandon me shortly. But as I continue talking to my God, I realise, this is the easy way out.
And so, in the corner of the room I bury myself. Silently, I pray.
I thank God for my family. I thank God for my friends. I thank God for the ability to laugh, to talk, to walk. I thank him for the ability to speak to him so freely. I thank him that he has forgiven me all of my wrongs- my selfish ways & thoughts. I thank him for the freshness rain brings us. I thank him for the sun, which warms our babes. I thank him for the food he blesses us with each day. I thank him over & over until finally, I find myself singing the most beautiful of praises.
I sing from the depths of my soul. I mean every word. Every sentence that leaves my tongue is of praise to my God. He is my everything, my all. The praise I have for him is breaking me free. Finally I am released from my darkness and I see him in all that surrounds me. I stand as I sing, raising my hands to touch him. I know that if anyone should walk in the room and see me they will question my actions, but I don’t care.
This time is for God & I. I owe him so much. He has pulled me from darkness and allowed me to be complete with him. As I stand before him I make a decision, forever I will sing of his grace & love. Forever, I will place praise before pity. I am blessed, regardless of my emotions or circumstances. Forever I will sing this. Forever I will sing for him.
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