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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Rest (01/17/13)

TITLE: Kidnapped
By Deborah Sampson


“Daniel, I beg you to let me go. I won’t tell anyone that it was you.

“Shut-up Darcie, set down and rest. You will need it, we aren’t done climbing yet!” Now sit,” I said.”

Darcie sat on the rock as he commanded. She didn’t want to make him mad. She didn’t know him well, only what people said in their small town. How Daniel was a loner. He had no family; He worked part-time at Jeeter’s Service station. Why had he kidnapped her?

“Get up girl, we need to go!”

Darcie immediately arose. “I’m ready,” she spoke barely above a whisper.

It had already been seven hours since he abducted her. Her parents or Adam would be worried. They wouldn’t know much about this ordeal, unless someone saw Daniel.

She only prayed that someone did, she knew God was with her, but not all circumstances turned out good.

Darcie looked up; a small cabin loomed before them.

“Come on Darcie, We are here. He unlocked the old door. “Get in there!”

Darcie couldn’t help but bulk at the command, so many terrible thoughts loomed before her.

“I said get in there.” He shoved her inside. Get over there and sit in that chair. Don’t give me any trouble. He looked at her. “I’ll get a fire started.”

For the first time Darcie glance around the room. Wood was placed by the fireplace. Can food sat on the open shelves, and an old sink in the corner. He must have been planning this- - wait, over the head of the twin bed in the corner had twenty or so pictures taped there, all of her. This terrified Darcie, she had to stifle her scream.

Daniel stood up from making the fire. “Darcie, you are going to like it here. I have longed for this moment; I have watched you for months. You’re beautiful, you are always smiling, you care, you even smiled and said hello to me.”

Darcie just stared at him.

“Don’t you remember?” you had a flat tire on your bike; I fixed it for you for free.”

“That was months ago, Daniel, I am not any different to anyone I meet, God wants us to be kind to people. He is the reason for our kindness.” She saw a flicker in his eyes, he
quickly turned away.
“I’ll get us some food.”

It was then Darcie caught a glimpse of the gun he had.

As he opened the soup, Daniel asked her about Adam.

“Adam is who I am planning to marry in June.”

Daniel just hissed out the next words. “Shut-up! That’s not going to happen.” He slapped his hand on the wooden table. “Get over here, so you can eat!”

Darcie came immediately; she didn’t want to anger him further.

“Now eat!”

She could hardly get the soup down. Afterwards he commanded her to the other twin bed in the room. You sleep there tonight; tomorrow you’ll sleep with me. There’s the bathroom, there’s no lock, no window and you got five minutes.” he smiled an ugly grin.

Upon her coming out, Daniel had calmed down and handed her an extra blanket. “See you in the morning.”

Darcie quickly got under the covers. Her heart was still pounding hard. “Oh dear God, please help me, I need you. Please surround me with your love, and protection, I pray. Amen.”

The cabin became quiet, moonlight flooded the room. For hours she tried to sleep. She heard Daniel snoring softly.

Just then, she heard a thump on the porch as the front door busted open.

“Freeze, don’t move.”

Daniel lunged with his gun in his hand.

“Drop it kid, now!” Daniel went straight for them. The sheriff shot Daniel in the chest.

Daniel moaned as he fell, “Darcie, I’m sorry, don’t hate me. If I can’t have you, then I
want to die.” Darcie felt pity for this young man.

The deputy radioed for an ambulance. “He’ll make it.”

“Are you hurt Darcie? The Sheriff asked.

Darcie felt lightheaded, she grabbed the chair. “No, her tears were flowing, how did you find us so quickly?”

“Naomi Fetters saw the whole thing and watched in the way he went, so we setup a search party which led us to here, Daniel’s family owned it. Your family has been notified. Soon this ordeal will be over.”

Darcie sighed, after this, she just wanted to rest in the arms of her Lord, and in all things give Him thanks.

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This article has been read 315 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Bonnie Bowden 01/24/13
Suspenseful from beginning to end. It needs a little polishing, but that's hard to do in a week's time.
lynn gipson 01/25/13
This is a good story. Some punctuation was missing in the conversations part, but I was on the edge of my seat all the way.

The faith of the MC was evident throughout and I loved the way she rested in the arms of the Lord at the end. Good job and keep writing. God Bless
Alicia Renkema01/25/13
Wow -- at times (especially at the beginning of your story as you were painting the picture) I felt as if I were reading a "Guide Post's" story. In the "Naomi Fetter's" section I stumbled a bit. But all and all a great and suspenseful read. Makes one really think about how much we actually trust God. Loved the ending. Blessings, Alicia
Loren T. Lowery01/25/13
You have a lot going on in this story and you've managed to tell it with fast-paced action the use of dialogue was especially good. The ending seemed a bit rushed, but it was a lot to tell in 750 words but you did it none-the-less.
Virgil Youngblood 01/25/13
The title hooked me and the suspense kept me reading. Two words slowed my reading down: I think you meant balk, instead of bulk; and burst instead of busted. Otherwise, you have a great story going here.
Allison Egley 01/25/13
Oh, this is good.

There are a few places that could use a couple of "tweaks." For example, he "placed the wood by the fireplace" uses "place" or a form of it twice in quick succession. He probably should have "put" the wood by the fireplace. It may seem a bit boring, but it fits better in this instance.

Great job with this. You had me wondering what was going to happen next the whole time. Nice job.
Danielle King 01/26/13
I was petrified all the way through. You certainly put me in the MC's shoes which is the making of a good story. Well done.
C D Swanson 01/26/13
Very good story! It made me want to keep on reading...I needed to know how it was going to end.

Great imagination, wonderful job. God bless~
Dannie Hawley 01/26/13
Your story shows a lot of potential for a book-length tale. Lots of suspense and good dialogue, believable and fast-paced. You might want to join a challenge buddy group to help you fine tune the piece a bit, as indicated by the other comments, but your talent for telling a story is obvious here. Nice work!
Joe Moreland01/26/13
As everyone else has commented, you have a good story here, and your instincts are good in the writing. The pace is excellent as well as the plot. About the only thing wrong with it is the stuff that you can learn (grammar, punctuation, use of quotes, etc.). As someone else mentioned, get a challenge buddy who will help you learn those things and I have a feeling we'll be seeing you move up quickly thru the levels. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Christina Banks 01/26/13
You told a lot of story in a little time. I was right there with your MC wondering what was going to happen, praying that God would help her through. You've done a great job at this level. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories in the future and watching as the challenge helps you grow in your writing skills.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/27/13
This is a great story. You did a marvelous job of laying out the conflict immediately, making me lean in and hold my breath as I read.

There were some tiny errors like missing or additional quotations marks. I also saw you started telling this in first person (I) then switched to third person (him)

The fast pace of this story matched the intensity of the story. I think you have a knack for story telling. This was a fantastic read.
Noel Mitaxa 01/27/13
Great work in your structure and the flow of energy throughout. You've painted your characters clearly and maintained credibility for your readers. Others have already noted the few minor glitches, but I agree with Joe that you will quickly move up through the levels.
Sheldon Bass 01/29/13
What a great suspense
filled tale. I noticed just a couple spelling errors. And the "Can food" I thought would sound better as "canned" food. It displayed the strength we gain through faith, even in the presence of fear. And you make your readers fear for your MC, Drawing us in. Good job.
Myrna Noyes01/30/13
Excellent story telling here! Your dialogue was believable, the suspense was riveting, and it had a good ending. I think, along with the others, that you will move up to the next level fairly quickly! Nice job! :)