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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Flat (01/03/13)

TITLE: Bozo The Clown
By clarissa aguilera
01/09/13


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My son Roger is playing in a band at the Performing Arts Center this Friday Susie, are you going to be there? Roger is going to be the lead singer, Right? How is that possible if he is so out of tune? He’s still sick; he’s going to sound a bit off course. Stated Susie, Jackie’s mother, he may even throw the whole band off.

Roger seems to believe that with God by his side he will sing just fine. Said Roger’s mother pam. He’s been looking forward to this day, even if I wanted to try and talk him out of it , it just wouldn’t be right. I’ll just have to stand in agreement with Roger (MATTHEW 18:19). Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my father in heaven. And pray that God covers him in the precious blood of the lamb, and have faith that his performance will be grand.

Wow, Pam, said Jackie that’s awesome, your faith in God is genuine.

Looks like I’ll need to go shopping, I seen this beautiful black dress I wanted to buy, this is perfect timing. Roger is going to love it, we seen it at the mall just last week. I think I’ll buy it and surprise him. I have some really cute suede boots that will look awesome with it, said Jackie Roger’s girlfriend.

I made some tea for Roger it’s good for sore throats. I’ll pray over it (JAMES 5:15) NIV and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgive. I will serve him a nice hot cup of this sweet tea my grandmother use to serve me right before bed when I had a sore throat, before Roger’s performance, so that he doesn’t sound like he swallowed a frog. “… Or flat”, Jackie replied laughing”.

Suede boots beautiful black dress sounds nice, how are you going to do your hair? Asked pam? “Not flat”. Ah! Ah! Ah! Jackie giggled, “You are a piece of art work Jackie, “masterpiece pam”? “Yeah, will have to see how Roger feels about that statement, he’ll fall “flat” on his face laughing, Jackie giggles.

However do you do it Susie?

I have Bozo the clown for a daughter. As Susie shakes her head, with a smile, “she should be a comedian”.

Okay Jackie enough with your jokes, you need to get home now it’s getting late sweetie “okay pam, see you later”, yes Jackie, teasing her be careful sweetheart, drive safe we don’t want you to get a “flat” tire on the way home. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Don’t worry I got fix a-flat!

With a smile Pam shakes her head.

As Jackie drives away honking her horn and squinting her nose, Love you pam, tell Roger to call me as soon as he get in, will do, said pam, “see you later Susie.

As the thought entered my mind “silly girl” I shook my head and waved, by pam.


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This article has been read 146 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/11/13
This is an interesting story. You did a nice job of describing the conflict right away and made me wonder how the poor kid would be able to sing with a sore throat.

I did have a hard time figuring out who was speak and who all of the characters were. Make sure you use quotation marks and start a new paragraph each time the speaker is changed. You can throw in some narrative lines to help the reader know who is talking as well as giving some insight into the MC's mood and personality. For example: "He is so sick he may through everyone off-key." Jackie crinkled her forehead and pretended to plug her ears.
Though it may not be a perfect example, I hope it helps to show what I mean. The reader can tell that Jackie is concerned but also that she has a bit of a sense of humor.

You definitely covered the topic and in more than just one way. Your subtle sense of humor is great and left me smiling. Keep writing and if you ever need any help proofreading check the message boards or send me a PM and I'll try to help. Good job on this light-hearted story.
Camille (C D) Swanson 01/14/13
I enjoyed the story. Thanks. God bless~