The Official Writing Challenge
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Wow! This is a powerful piece! You did a stunning job of pulling me into the topic right away. You have laid the foundations for an outstanding story.

It is nearly impossible to think up, write and perfect a story in one week. Almost every one needs a bit of polishing. I have a few little things for you to consider as you prepare (hopefully) to write your next story. You started out in the beginning telling the story from the POV (point of view) of the first tense. Then in the middle you switched and it seemed like the MC was no longer Mom but someone else waiting with family in the waiting room. Just make sure you don't have POV shifts. You can only show the reader what the MC sees, knows, thinks or feels so went you switched from I to We you shifted from a different POV. In all fairness you did put some stars between that section to show that it was a new MC but it did take me a bit to realize it.

You may also want to use quotation marks in the beginning to help the reader keep straight who is speaking. You can also use narrative lines to signify the speaker. This is an example: "Where is Tyler?" I could feel my heart being twisted as the pain shot out of my neurons. I tried to turn around, desperately searching for my baby.

"I'm here Mom."

My ears pricked at the sound off his voice as my eyes searched for a glimpse of him.

Now I know I took some liberties but I wanted to show you what I meant. You will hear the advice show don't tell a lot. Readers like to be able to paint a picture in their heads as they read and something like what I did above can help. (Noticed how I double spaced between paragraphs to give the reader that important white space, as well as starting a new paragraph each time there is a different speaker.)

Now with that bit of red ink said, I want to stress what a wonderful story this is. You did a great job of developing the conflict immediately. I was eager to keep reading nd find out what happened next. You also pulled all kinds of emotions of out of me. I felt the fear and panic of the MC and the way you described love was divine. It made me heart pound. At the close, you ended with a sense of hope and gave me that warm fuzzy feeling.

You also did a great job of writing on topic all while delivering a wonderful message. Keep writing because you have a knack for storytelling. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work. Once again I'd like to say WOW! (That is one of my highest compliments)
01/14/13
WOW! This was amazing! I was in tears and so involved that I didn't want it to end...this was a powerful intensely moving story. I loved the simplicity coupled with the intensity. I loved the meaning the message and the overall sobering truth. Beautifully told. This was an excellent way of presenting the topic.

God bless~