The moment Jocelyn opened the old wooden door to the rusty flat, her heart sank. It was dark and damp, with paint peeling of the walls, unpacked boxes scattered across a dusty floor and furniture covered in bubble wrap. As she slowly walked down the corridor, she wished she didn’t have to stay. The place was falling apart. With each step she gave, she felt like an Israelite longing back for the brick- building days of Egypt. Memories of South Africa, her home country, flashed before her. Even though she’d only lived in the UK for a couple of months, it felt like eternity. It was completely different from her life in South Africa, a life filled with sunshine, friendly smiles, spacious living conditions and beautiful mountains.
The last time she saw a glimpse of that life was on the airplane, through a tiny window, on her way to her aunt’s cottage in the English countryside. She didn’t plan to stay at her aunt for long, even though she lived in a very pretty Tudor-style house, tucked away in the Epping Forest. Her plan was to get a job, move out and experience the city life. But she ended up staying there for three months. And even though she knew that the sand was swiftly slipping through the hourglass, and that her aunt’s hospitality was coming to an end, it still came as a surprise when she was finally asked to leave.
An acquaintance informed her about a flat in West London. After 20 interviews things did not turn out the way she’d expected, and she was forced to move there.
She knew her interviewers were not convinced that she was the ideal person for the job, because her core was broken, her inner light was snuffed out. She was a scared, little girl in an unknown country, trying to find her way through the ashes of her past. A past that echoed pain and heartbreak…
She wasn’t exactly sure when it happened. Was it when she found him with her best friend, or when he told her that he wouldn’t marry her?
She could feel the tears well up in her eyes.
Not that she wanted to marry him – she knew he was not good for her. She didn’t want him, but she also didn’t want to lose herself.
But she did…
And now she was searching.
She slowly opened the door to an unkempt bedroom and placed her suitcase next to the dresser. She walked straight to the bed and plunked herself onto the dusty mattress. She was tired of life, tired of fighting, tired of running and tired of searching.
Finally the tears could not be held back any longer. One by one it fell to the ground like a water-leak dripping through a roof.
She missed him.
She missed the way he made her feel -the way he loved her, the way she first loved him.
And it wasn’t her ex-boyfriend she was thinking of.
She looked around her and saw a picture of herself, a rundown flat, forgotten and used. Her heart was in pieces, her life a mess. Everything about her seemed old; the cycles she lived, the stories she told. Even the emotions she felt seemed old, and the sorrow, was excruciating old. The burden of unforgiveness, hurt and pain aged her as woman, and she wept for the Jocelyn that once were, the free-spirited and trusting woman that was not there any longer.
She was gone.
Even though she was searching, she was also running away. Throughout her journey in the UK, she heard the relentless voice of her First Love in her mind. It wasn’t judgemental, it wasn’t angry. He was willing to take her back. She could clearly hear Him beg for her to return to Him, and to forget the past. He pleaded from her to forgive those who did not deserve her forgiveness, to not let the actions of people come between them. It was as if He was knocking on the door of her heart.
But she couldn’t open.
The past could not be forgotten, and therefore she could not return to him. She didn’t want to find Jocelyn anymore.
And that is why the tears fell.
She wept, she cried from deep within, like a mother giving birth to a baby, because she knew the search was over.
The West- London –flat -life would her home forever.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.