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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Flat (01/03/13)

TITLE: The Night I was Saved from Prison
By Susan Allen


The Night I was Saved from Prison

It had been a long day for Elizabeth. When she woke up this morning she prayed her usual prayer, “Good morning Jesus, please help someone through me today.” This mind frame always kept her on her toes and in watch of others’ needs.

She thought how sad it was that people were oblivious to the fact that they needed Jesus in their life. People went about their own business thinking they had everything under control. They seemed content with their lives. What they didn’t know was they were not really living but walking toward death.

Elizabeth spoke to quite a few people that day, but was rejected whenever she wanted to speak of Jesus. She knew they weren’t really rejecting her, but Him. It still hurt to not be able to share such a wonderful Savior with them. It was her job to listen and she was not really supposed to share her personal beliefs with her patients. It was a rule she couldn’t seem to stop herself from breaking.

On her way home from work that night she felt helpless and wanted to cry. “Lord, I can’t understand how people can go on day after day without you. I remember how my life was without you and I am so thankful you are in it now. You changed my whole life around by saving me from being a prisoner of my drug use. My patients are still in their prisons. How may I help them if I can’t share you with them? You are their only answer.”

Elizabeth had left later than usual and it was completely dark on the back country road on her way home. Suddenly she felt her car pull to the left and had to control the wheel with some skillful maneuvering. She knew she had a flat tire. The problem was she never changed a tire in her life. She also had left her cell phone at the office. There weren’t any houses nearby and she prayed, “Oh Lord, please help me.”

It had to have been about twenty minutes later when she saw a young man walking toward her. As he got closer, she recognized him as one of her patients who was still an addict.

“Hi, Dr. Elizabeth, do you need help?”
“Yes, Jimmy, it is so good to see you. Do you know how to fix a flat?”
“As a matter of fact I do. Do you have a spare?”

Elizabeth opened the trunk and Jimmy took the spare and the jack out. As he was working on the tire, he asked her, “What were you trying to say the other day about there being a better answer to my problems than using? How do you know that anything can be better than what I feel when I use? It is the only way I know.”

“Jimmy, I want to share with you about a time in my life that I would have agreed with you. In my past I used drugs to escape from my broken home life. One day I met a woman who changed my life forever. She shared with me what I want to share with you right now. Are you ready to listen?”

“I know I wasn’t ready the other day, but I think it would be a good idea if I listened tonight.”

Jimmy had finished changing the tire and they sat inside Elizabeth’s car. Elizabeth began to tell her story. “I had finally decided to leave home when I was fifteen. A woman came over and sat next to me on the bench at the bus station. She said I looked like I needed a friend to talk to. I told her I just wanted to be left alone. That didn’t deter the woman one bit. She asked why a young girl like me was sitting in a bus terminal with a little backpack at that time of night—it must have been about midnight by then. I broke down and started to cry so hard, the tears came out of me like waterfalls trickling down a mountainside. She put her arms around me and comforted me with a simple, but powerful prayer. ‘Dear Lord, take your child in your arms and show her the love she never got at home. Please forgive her for her past and wash her clean with your blood.’ That is the night I was saved from my prison.”

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This article has been read 209 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jody Day 01/10/13
Great job, I enjoyed this. Try to avoid using so many passive verbs: I was, he was, had been. Loved your story. Keep writing!
Bonnie Bowden 01/10/13
Well written story. I could relate to how difficult it is when people reject the truth. However, I am so glad God is a God of second chances.
Lollie Hofer01/10/13
You have lots of writing potential. You included a great POV, your main character was interesting, you had strong dialogue and your story line was quite interesting. I agree, keep your verbs from being passive but keep writing. I liked what I saw.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/13/13
This is a powerful story. I think we all have our personal prisons that we need saving from and Jesus is just the guy who can save us!

One thing many writers work on is the concept show don't tell. It's not always easy to get that perfect balance. You could use some more showing. Take this sentence: It had been a long day for Elizabeth.
You can do some showing by doing something like this:
Elizabeth sank into the driver's seat and sighed. She messaged her temples before starting her car. It felt like months has passed since she had said her prayers that morning.
That's just an example of how you can take that first paragraph and paint some pictures for the reader and draw them in with the mystery of why she felt so tired.

I do like your MC. She has quite a bit of spunk. This line really hit your message home for me.
What they didn’t know was they were not really living but walking toward death.
I think it's quite profound and I can totally relate to feeling like that on some days. Another thing I really liked is you included the prayers in your story. Not everyone knows how to pray so I think by showing them you will be touching and helping more people than you can ever imagine. Keep writing, you have a gift to share with the world.
C D Swanson 01/14/13
Gripping and intense writing. I enjoyed your MC, she was three dimensional with believable dialogue. Nicely done. God bless~