The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/14/12
A special story with a good message. Nice job.
God bless~
You did a fine job with this story. Starting right off with the conflict is a grand way to pull the reader in. I also found myself connecting with your MC.

One thing many writers perfect all through their career is the concept of showing instead of telling. It can be hard because lines like-his voice was laden with frustrations sounds descriptive but it is more telling than showing. But describe some body language to help the reader paint a picture like this: His elbows rested on the table as his head plopped into his open palms. After a minute he lifted his head. Deep dark lines encircled his eyes while his brow crinkled in frustration.

That may not have been the perfect example I but I hope it shows you the difference between showing and telling. You may also may also want to put double spaces between the paragraphs to give the reader the needed white space.

I think overall this is a powerful story. I like how the ending brought it full-circle. I think almost everyone can relate to the parent child relationship.Your last paragraph is sublime. You do a nice job of telling the reader your message without coming off as preachy. Well-done.
12/21/12
I really enjoyed your well written story and the lessons it taught. Congratulations on your well deserved winning entry.
01/03/13
I liked your story, it was short but it gave a clear picture of how we ought to relate to God our Father. Well done!

Barbara D.