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Oftentimes my mind wanders here and there to where my life has been. It was just this morning while sipping on a mildly warm and displeasing cup of instant coffee that my mind scuffled back to a time when I was wallowing in sin.
At that time in my life, I was living with my boyfriend. We were under the same leaky roof and in the same sagging bed, smoking from the same pack of menthol cigarettes and sharing the same bottle of cheap bourbon but we were not yet one. We really wanted to be one. We even took all the steps towards “oneness” by moving in together with both names on the lease and utility bills. We attended holidays at our families together each year. Anytime a gift was given from us, the recipient always saw both our names on the tag. This continued for eight years until the day came when we decided to take that final leap and get married. It was a major step in our lives that ended up in divorce twelve years later.
We maintained a decent relationship even after our divorce for the sake of our daughter and were even supposed to meet for lunch on the weekend that he was killed. It was a Friday and he was going home from work on his motorcycle when a drunk driver pulled out in front of him. He t-boned the side of the car and died hours later at the hospital.
The next day, I sat on the cold concrete steps in the hospital parking deck and told our eleven year old that her daddy was dead. It was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. That was three years ago and my mind still wanders back to that day and replays it over and over.
There is constant scuffling going on in my mind but as the footfalls of each memory skip through, I am reminded that with every tragedy and every triumph, I am taking a step closer towards God.
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