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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Irritated (11/08/12)

TITLE: PROJECT MINI ME AIN'T WORKING!
By Enitan Femi-Obasan
11/13/12


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She slammed the door shut loudly behind her and threw herself across the bed. She buried her face so deeply into the pillow. She was so angry at him. He just knew how to turn on her "irritate" switch. Arrrgghhh! Why, for heaven's sake did she marry him? She asked herself for the umpteenth time. She was so exhausted. She sighed and rolled over. "I just wish I could go back in time. I would change everything".

Suddenly, it was 2003. She was in college and this morning, she was unusually late for class. Something was happening to her. She was leaning forward and her books were in the air. Oh no! In her hurry, she had missed her step. She closed her eyes not wanting to see anything anymore. Then came the dreaded thud. Not so bad, she thought. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked up. She opened her mouth to talk but the words got stuck in her throat. She had just seen an angel or so she thought. "Thank you" she managed to say but thinking to herself "I was saved by angel with big strong arms".

"Hi, I'm Dave" he introduced himself with the most captivating voice she had ever heard.

They became inseparable after that.

He was so funny, so calm, so carefree. Everything she was not. He just knew how to have a good time anytime, every time. There were really no dull moments with him. Oh, he was far from perfect but she loved him anyway. She had the most exciting five years of her life with him before they got married. He complemented her so well.

She jerked up suddenly as though hit by a lightening bolt. She realized what had been happening in her four year marriage. She's been working on the project, "Make Dave a Mini Me". She's been complaining about his calmness which she had renamed passive and unaggressive. She never missed an opportunity to rub his non-challance in. Wait a minute, wasn't that the same as carefree? She buried her face in her hands and cried. She has been so unfair to him. She was trying to change the things she loved about him. Unfortunately, the more he tried to change for her, the more exasperated she was."Oh God, I'm so sorry" she moaned.

As if on cue, Dave entered the room and sat beside her on the bed. For the first time in a very long time, she realized he looked so sad and withdrawn. This is not the man she married. "What have I done?" She thought. He opened his mouth to talk but she threw her arms around him and kissed him so passionately. He was shocked. She had just told him how much he irritated her some half hour ago.

She smiled and with tears streaming down her cheeks said "I'm sorry for working so hard at making you more like me instead of helping you become a better you". She held his hands in her hands and looked into his eyes and said softly, "I love you just the way you are, I always have and always will".

He held her so tightly and whispered into her ears, "I love you too, Shelly, just the way you are".


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This article has been read 113 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Phee Paradise 11/15/12
You've told a wonderful story about love and marriage. The emotions really ring true and the MC's growth is natural. I could really relate to her. The mechanics of your writing can use some polish - such as a few tense changes and a few misspellings - but the core of the story was great.
Dan Blankenship 11/15/12
You kept me reading and told a very believable story! Good job!
Noel Mitaxa 11/16/12
This is a great story, which you have built very strongly from a very clever title.
However I noticed changed tenses a couple of times in the same sentence, which can confuse your readers.
This may sound a little picky, but I also counted ten sentences in your first two paras that began with "She." Varying your intros and the length of your sentences will also keep your readers with you. In spite of this, you kept the flow of suspense right up to a clever and positive close.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/17/12
Your title is a great draw. Then I read the first paragraph and immediately was drawn in. I think probably everyone at one time or another could relate to wanting to push the rewind button. I know I think about it way more than I should. :)

You had some tiny errors like putting the period outside of the quotation mark and I think instead of non-challance you meant nonchalant. Little things like that might be caught by a challenge buddy or a critique group. Check the message boards or if you need help, feel free to PM.

I think you did a great job of building your characters and having them feel quite real. In fact I think your MC's lackadaisical husband is sitting in my very own living room! You also defined the conflict right away and resolved it quite nicely in the final paragraph. You covered the topic in this interesting and eye-opening story. Nicely done.
Randy Foncree11/19/12
Very touching story...I could see this being made into a skit or play...God bless you and thanks for sharing...
Randy Foncree11/19/12
One more thing, I loved your title...
Darleen Coon11/22/12
I could soo relate to this story. You love that guy just the way he is...until you marry him, then you want to change him.

Great reminder to look back on what you really loved about him in the beginning and quit trying to change him.

Thanks for a great reminder.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/23/12
Congratulations for ranking 7th in level one!