The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/02/12
This is a great story, with strong descriptions and suspense, and a good dramatic twist at the end. However you undid the close ever so slightly by mentioning that she 'did not see him again until one day at work' before..."
Please pardon my boldness, but it may carry more impact as - "It was months later when she met the new company VP, who shook her hand with a firm warmth, as he took in the surroundings and quietly observed: 'and this job sure beats sitting on a park bench...'"
This is not criticism for criticism's sake, because you have great potential in developing your writing gift as a blessing to others.
This is a sweet story. You grabbed my attention with the creepy man and I was eager to keep reading.

I noticed some tiny errors like Unexplicently instead of inexplicably plead instead of pleaded. These might be caught by a challenge buddy. (If you need help finding one send me a PM) I also saw you used taglines like he said or she whispered. That would be a great place to use that space to show the reader what the emotional state or personality of the character. For example in this sentence: “Oh, man, this guy is really creeping me out,” she mumbled to herself.
just by changing the tagline to something like: Her eyes darted around the park as she licked her lips. It still shows who is speaking but also shows the reader she is anxious.

There were other parts in the story where you did an excellent job of showing. The part with her almost skipping brought a great picture to her mind. I think you covered the topic in an interesting way while still delivering an important message. This piece was a pleasure to read.
I try not to read other comments before I comment but when I saw Noel's I have to agree with him. I almost mentioned the ending too. What he was saying and gave an example of is what I was trying to say too, just go a bit further with your showing and this great story will soon be an outstanding one. I agree that you do have a great deal of potential. It's difficult to perfect a piece in a mere week but you have a great start and I am eager to read more of your work and watch your writing evolve. :)
11/03/12
I loved the suspense in your story and the great message. Good job.

God Bless!
Congratulations for ranking 7th in level one!