The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/19/12
I really like this devotional family story. An enjoyable read! Thank you!

Colin (Gold Member)
This is a sweet story about a day in the life of your MC. It is full of God's blessings and I like that she recognizes them.

Just some tiny red ink. I didn't know the name of your MC until nearly the end when the friend mentioned it. Partly due to that many of your sentences started with she or I. Someone told me once that my paragraphs all began with a name or a pronoun. I could hardly believe it until I checked and discovered that not every paragraph but almost every sentence began that way! That's when I first started focusing on changing up the sentence structure. For example this sentence: She was just taking cinnamon rolls out of her oven when she heard the sound of a motorcycle in her yard.
could be arranged just a bit: While taking cinnamon rolls out of the oven, she whirled around when she heard the rumbling of her son's motorcycle.
Not only does it switch up the structure it also paints more of a picture with the active verbs: twirled and rumbled.

You definitely nailed the topic. I enjoyed hearing her blessings of the day and it reminds me of my blessings today as I was feeling a bit down before but your story really lifted my spirits. If this is based on a true story, it will be treasured by family for generations on end. You also did a great job of bringing the story full circle. I especially liked that you included the prayer in the story. I have no doubt that Jesus will use these words to show someone who doesn't know how to pray that it is like talking to a dear friend. Keep writing those stories that God gives you. Together you will make the difference in people's lives. Good job.
10/21/12
What an enjoyable read! It reminded me that even on days that I think of as totally routine, there are many blessings. The blessings of family and friends just to name a couple.
Congratulations for ranking 7th in level one!