The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/19/12
Inspiring account of Kayla coming into a deeper relationship with Christ. Boyfriends have their uses, hey?

Colin (Gold Member)
10/19/12
What a wonderful story and how blessed Kayla was to have someone who loved her as Jesus loves us...I really enjoyed this and I think you have a gift for writing for the Lord.

God BLess
10/19/12
This is a powerful story. My heart hurt when Kayla screamed that she wanted to die. I know that feeling of hopelessness and it is a horrible one.

You had quite a few little errors like then suddenly, "crash!" in that sentence I think when would have flowed (i stumbled and had to reread it a few times) Also the Crash should have been capitalized. There were some other parts where you needed a comma. When you use a phrase that could be taken out you need to put commas after it. Like in her boyfriend, Charles was seated. You could take out the word Charles and you'd still have a complete sentence. Some of the lines felt a tad stilted and I think that's because you add details that aren't vital to the story line like: The fireman bent down beside the car door. What i would encourage you to do instead of that is to describe something that shows his emotions or personality. For example: The fireman winced as he surveyed the severity of Kay;la's injuries.
Hopefully that paints a picture, as well as lets the reader know who is speaking and that the accident is bad to make a fireman wince.

The beginning was a great attention grabber. Nothing like a CRASH! to make a reader want to continue. You also did a fantastic job of building the conflict. By having the MC plead to just let her die builds the suspension and had me on the edge of my seat. The ending was sweet, a bit predictable and sudden but will satisfy most readers. You definitely covered the topic and did so in a fresh and interesting way. I know for sure that God can take horrible situations and turn them into something delightful and bring glory to Him. Overall, I thought you wrote a solid story, that tugged at my heart and was a pleasure to read.
10/21/12
Sometimes we need somebody to point out how very blessed we are. We also need to be encouraging to others who are struggling. Thanks for reminding us of that!
10/24/12
A powerful story. This was well executed and jarring in its entirety. Great job.

God bless~