The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/11/12
I love this story....an example of modern tech in our world. I changed my phone ring to the sound of children laughing and for days couldn't understand why I would hear the sound of happy, giggling children when I suddenly realized it was my cell phone ringing in another room! Well written and most enjoyable! Keep up the good work.
10/11/12
Hahahahahahahahahaha. This was so clever and funny at once. Nicely done. Thanks.
God Bless~
10/11/12
Your story held my interest. It was easy to feel myself as you. Two words of advice:

1. Whenever quoting Scripture it is helpful for readers to know the reference and translation. Such as (Matthew 7:7 NIV)

2. Find creative ways to reword your writing. Too many "I" references have so much potential for creative writing. For example; rather than starting a sentence with I, find ways to rephrase so I isn't how you reference yourself.

This sentence:
I am gardening and heard a voice telling me to check my email.

Could be rephrased as:
While gardening one sunny spring day a message kept rewinding through my mind; go inside and check your email.

Keep writing and keeping the reader's desire to keep reading. Nice job!
10/12/12
I like how you made the story suspenseful and it made me want to keep reading. Well done.

God bless.
10/12/12
Ha ha! This was great. Nicely done. I was in suspense. I kept wondering what was going to happen so I kept wanting to read. Ending was great...because we've all done silly things like that...or at least I have! Good job.
10/13/12
Well-written with a touch of suspense and self-deprecation. Great work.
This was a fun story. I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat, eager to see how the mystery would unfold. I also liked how you made it a simple explanation. It wasn't the ending I was expecting and I always enjoy it when a story takes me somewhere I'm not anticipating. (I thought for sure the voice would alert the MC to some near disaster) By deviating from that path, you show the reader that God is with us in times of distress--but he is also near when we are just puttering around the garden.

You do have some wonderful showing lines but I'd encourage you to try to replace passive verbs like was with more active ones. By switching your lead sentence around just a bit, you could have a fantastic attention grabber. This is just an example to show you what I mean: While puttering in my garden, I heard a deep voice command me to check my email. The hair on the nape of my neck stood up as I spun around searching for the mystery intruder. Something like that will grab the reader's attention immediately while simultaneously painting a vivid picture.

This piece did have me smiling and chuckling. I was a bit dense about what the keys had to do with anything until someone in my mind clearly said Duh that's what felt like a tap--the keys must have jiggled and bumped the MC's back! :) So I totally can relate to the talking to one's self and having quite an animate conversation at that! I also liked how the MC could bring up so many Bible verses. It shows there is a reason why the Sunday School teachers have kids memorize verses. (Though make sure you reference them either in parentheses or with a * and a footnote. BTW footnotes don't go to the word count so it wouldn't send an entry over 750 words) You never know when you might need God's word to comfort you. I think you did a delightful job on this piece and I look forward to reading more of your stories. Nice job.
10/14/12
How funny! I often do things like that when I'm alone and then laugh.
10/19/12
Congrats and God Bless~