The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/31/12
Awww I loved the ending of this sweet entry. Nicely done, good message and well written. God bless~
I enjoyed your story. The fast pace seemed to match the urgency. I did cringe a bit at the rudeness of shoving past a mom struggling to get the stroller through the door. But it is so typical and I loved that you included it. It seems like today many people only have a me mentality and this picture you painted will hopefully allow some people to see themselves in it. I like stories that have more than one message and yours did have that, for sure.

Probably your two weakest judging criteria will be topic and the ending. The topic is sweet to the taste and while it is sweet to spend time with your family, it might be a stretch for some. The ending seems a bit unlikely, though personally, I enjoy unlikely endings. I did chuckle as I pictured what would have happened had the MC caught his flight and pictured him standing in front of an empty farmhouse! (Oh and a good trick to remember the different between dessert (food) and desert (sand) is everyone wants 2 servings of dessert so there are 2 s's but only one of desert):)

You have a fantastic imagination and you did an outstanding job of making the reader feel caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I can't imagine walking 9 miles in the dark, but I felt the MC's grief as you described the long, sad walk home. You have a lot of good things packed into this intriguing story. You are definitely a gifted storyteller. Good job.