The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/31/12
Nicely done, nicely told, and so engaging. I loved this. good job. God bless~
I really like the idea behind this story. You did a nice job of taking me back to a time that without books and TV would be almost impossible for many to imagine.

You had quite a few words leftover. The story would have popped more, if you had shown the readers instead of tell. For example instead of telling that the rest of the family would come later perhaps you could have added some dialog. Something like-- Eve turned and watched Poppa's hands expertly guide the team. "What do you think Mama is doing right now?"

Poppa flicked the reins as a small smile crept over his face. "I reckon she's packing up the young-un's clothes. Humph I bet she's telling them what we might be doing right about now."
Something like that would show the reader the closeness of the family and explain why they aren't all together.

Now don't get me wrong, you painted some beautiful pictures of the scenery. I just really liked your two characters and wanted to know more about them. I could see this as an excerpt from a novel.

The ending was magnificent. The picture of the man standing, arms outstretched while swarms of bees surround him is a fantastic picture. It speaks volumes, not only might the stings help his arthritis (which I find fascinating, but it also paints a picture of trust. Trust in God's creatures and faith in God himself. It is a bit of genius and if I could paint, I'd want to go and paint the picture you created in my mind as a reminder of the love God has for us. How sweet it is!
09/09/12
Congrats. God bless~