The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/31/12
Hahaha. cute story with a sweet ending. I really enjoyed this delightful read.
Thanks. God bless~
I enjoyed this story. I really liked how you put a lot of details in it and tried to show the reader instead of just tell.

I was confused why Gretchen was bossing Allison around. Perhaps if you explained sooner that they were sisters. You had a few errors like birthday shouldn't be capitalized but Mom should, when it is used as a name. I also noticed you repeated quite a few things. Try tightening your sentences up. For example -- Gretchen had to work for the Williamson’s; she ran errands for Mrs. Williamson, who was recovering from hip surgery.
could be changed so not to repeat by doing something like this-- Gretchen left to run errands for Mrs. Williamson, who who recovering from hip surgery.

Overall, you told a great story. I know that trying tpo replace Mom and watch over your siblings can be hectic and make you forget your birthday. I also liked how the sister weighed telling a fib against surprising Gretchen. You covered the topic in a fun way and still delivered a great message and left the reader with something to think about.
09/04/12
This was a fun-filled story with a nice surprise ending. It never dawned on me that it would be something like the older sister's birthday treat. I would suggest that you re-read your entry. I think you will find many places where a good proofing would have avoided the reader to have to mentall put in the correct word. I do think your entry had a great story line and I liked your surpise ending.