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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Diet - deadline is 8-9-12 9:59 am NY time. (08/02/12)
Dr. Johnson walked into the examination room and sat at the desk. "Clyde, I have the results of your tests, although I do have a question. What type of foods do you eat?"

Clyde shifted in his seat. "The normal stuff: chicken, ribs, and pizza."

The doctor opened the file and glanced at it. "I am concerned about your cholesterol level, and you’re overweight. You need to change your eating habits as well as get some exercise."

Clyde smiled. "Oh doc, I’ll be alright, because I'm healthy as a horse."

Dr. Johnson face tightened. "You need to change your eating habits!"

Clyde hopped off of the examination
table. "I don’t need you to tell me how to live!" He walked out of the room and slammed the door.

****************

An hour later Clyde was in his office, dictating a letter to his secretary. "This letter is to the Community State Bank."

Suddenly his eyes narrowed and his face turned red. "I…I'm having chest pains."

The secretary threw down her notepad on the desk. "Do you want me to call 911?"

Clyde put his hand on his chest. "Yes, and call Dr. Johnson."

He was rushed to the hospital and sent to the emergency room.

Dr. Johnson walked into ER. "Clyde, I heard you have chest pains?"
Just then the heart monitor beeped.

"Nurse, we need to shock him STAT!" screamed the doctor.

******************

A month later Clyde went to see Dr. Johnson again. The doctor took his stethoscope and put it on Clyde’s chest.

"Well your heart sounds okay."

Clyde put his hands over his face, then put them down. "Doc, I should be ashamed of myself. I should have listened to you."


The doctor looked over his glasses into Clyde’s eyes. "You know you almost died."

Clyde shook his head. “My family could have lost me."

The doctor lightly slapped Clyde on the top of his thigh. "The important thing is that you’re better."

Clyde stood up from the examining table. "I am eating differently; I am having more vegetables and less fatty foods. I’m also getting more exercise."
The doctor went over to the desk and picked up the file. "Good; I am glad."

Clyde let out a deep breath and hung his head. "Thank you for all you've done to save me."

The doctor opened the door. "That’s my job; schedule another appointment within a month."
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This article has been read 734 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Laura Manley
08/09/12
This story covered a very important wakeup call for your MC. I enjoyed the message you were sending out to the reader... a very important message. Nicely done.
C D Swanson 
08/10/12
A profound commentary on what is happening today in our society. This was well written and a timely reminder to "heed" the words of your doctor. Nicely written and told. Thanks.

God bless~
Kristine Baker
08/11/12
I like the message of this entry and it is clearly on topic. However, one thing that stood out to me was your title. Personally, I think it should be, I Could Have Died!

Good job with the dialogue. I felt like I was in each scene.
Nancy Bucca
08/13/12
Nice wake-up call to a man not geared to watching what he eats. A different take on topic too. Good job.
Virgil Youngblood 
08/14/12
Confucius said, " A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does." Your MC is a wise man. Nicely done.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/16/12
This is a fascinating story. The reader can sense the conflict right away and knew what was in store for the poor MC.

You have some extra words left and could use them to build suspense into your story. Take this passive sentence --He was rushed to the hospital and sent to the emergency room.
Instead show the readers what happened. The ambulance crew rushed into the office. While one EMT started chest compression the other searched for a large vein to insert the IV catheter. Once Clyde stabilized the lifted him onto the gurney and wheeled him to the waiting ambulance.
Though that might not be exactly what you want to say, I hope it helps show you how a few extra sentences can prolong the suspense.

You did a great job of covering the topic in an exciting and different way. There are many people who can relate to this message. The ending felt a tad abrupt, but overall you did a nice job with this story.

PS The title should be I Could HAVE died. Often in speech could've sounds like could of and people mistakenly write of instead of have.