The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/02/12
Although I enjoyed your entry, I found it very hard to follow with Bart and Burt being the main characters. I think if you had chosen names that were not so close to sounding like the other, it would have been easier to follow, at least for me. However, that being said,, I enjoyed the message you had in this story; it's one that we all need to listen to.
08/03/12
This was positively hilarious; I love the strong message and hope to see it win something.
08/05/12
Hahahahahaha...Sheer delight to read! I loved it. It was clever and enjoyable from start to finish.Great message sprinkled throughout. Thanks!

God bless~
I think this is a cute story. You were creative with the names. The fact that the names almost sound alike and are almost spelled the same helps emphasize your point. Some Christians have only a little thing that might set them aside from others. The difference from going out and witnessing and staying home and keeping God to yourself, though it may sound little, on closer inspection it's as big a difference as Burt is from Bart.

You have several errors that interrupt the flow. Things like a missing quotation mark, incomplete sentences and misspelled words like there instead of their. It's really important to go over each line of your story and make sure you catch all the mistakes that a proofreader pointed out or if you are the proofreader, you need to let the paper set for at least a day then check it word for word.

You have some great showing in this piece. It may need some more but verbs like sprint, gulp, and jumped really help paint a picture for the reader. Nice job.