The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/27/12
Beautiful job of the "inner voice" observing and watching Jesus feed the multitudes. Lovely entry.

Thank you. God Bless~
07/29/12
What an awesome look at the personal potluck that Jesus had more than once in the Bible. This was well written and a delight to read. Well done...
I really liked the tone of your story. You had me fascinated and I wanted to keep reading more, even though I knew what the story was.

Something that would make this even better would be to do more showing than telling. This is something all writers struggle with at first. One way you could do this is to show actual dialog. For example instead of giving a general idea of what the grumblings were about add some details like this. The man two rows in front of me stomped his feet and his face glowed red as the vein in his forehead pulsated. "That's just plain mean to make us without food watch others stuff their faces!" This shows the reader the man ids angry and helps paint a picture.

I've read several stories about the bread and fish this quarter but I really liked the spin yo0u put on it. I thought it was quite creative and I've never really stopped to think that there would be people grumbling and babies crying. You did a wonderful job of getting me to see it from a different angle. Be careful t5hat your title doesn't give away your ending. I thought that last line was a brilliant and perfect ending. I am bad about reading tittles beforehand so it really hit the message home for me and I thought just those 8 words or so were quite profound.